Here is my first installment of JACKTALK.
The players:
Jack: my dad.
Our Hero: K.
Bonnie: Bonnie.
Raucous Laughter: https://soundcloud.com/kbfunky-1/dad-laugh-1
And so it begins…
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Dad: Hello?
K: Hi Dad, It’s K.
D: How are you?
K: Good, how are you?
D: Excellent.
K: What’s been happening? I just thought I’d call and see how you were.
D: I’m eating supper, what are you doing?
K: Not eating supper.
D: What, are you on a fast? Oh yeah, that’s right, you gave up eating for a month, huh?
K: For a month?? Yep, that’s right.
D: Try 6 weeks before Easter, ha ha, or is it 8 weeks?
K: I dunno. What are you having for supper?
D: Ah, I’ve got pirogues, fish, carrots, and beans. And spinach.
K: Ooh. Is someone with you?
D: Yes.
K – Oh-oh.
D: (off) With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? Which K? I’ve got like 8 of them!
K: Uh!
D: (raucous laughter).
K: Uh, real funny, Dad.
D: Wha ha ha. How are you, Baby?
K: I’m good.
D: I want you to meet someone, are you still there?
K: Yes, I’m still here.
D: Ok, say hello to Bonnie.
K: Barney?
D: Baaahnnie.
K: Baaahnie. Hi
Bonnie: Hello.
K: Are you Bonnie?
B: I’m Bonnie.
K: Hi, Bonnie.
B: Hi, how- nice to talk to ya.
K: Nice to talk to you, too.
(B and K laugh foolishly.)
Dad: (off) She’s a lawyer.
B: So you’re his little girl, huh?
K: I am. Not that little, though. Not anymore.
B: Not anymore? Ha ha ha. He’s got two beautiful pictures of you guys up here.
K: Very nice.
D: They don’t look like guys to me.
B: We need some new ones.
D: No we don’t. (B and D raucous laughter).
K: Nah, we’ll just look old. Keep the ones where we look young.
B: Ha ha. You will always be his baby.
K: That’s true.
D: She’s my favorite. All my daughters named K— you’ll always be my favorite.
K: Thanks, Dad.
B: Thanks, Dad. (D raucous laughter off). I’ll let you talk back to him, Honey.
K: Ok.
B: Pleasure to meet you.
K: Pleasure to meet you, too.
B: Bye.
K: Bye.
D: Hey, K?
K: Yep?
D: In all candor…
K: Yes.
D: While I have your ear. Did you ever pay me back the 20 bucks I borrowed?
K: phhhhh…..thhhhh…what??
D: (Raucous laughter). You’re the legal beagle.
K: ….is that–
D: –Did you ever pay me back the 20 bucks I borrowed?
K: Is that an enigma?
D: You’re supposed to say yes I didn’t. har har… Plus interest! ha ha! How are you?
K: Eh, fine.
D: How’s everything going, how d’you like the new gig?
K: What’s the new gig?
D: Well, you went to do – ah – last we met you were going to work for the state or something? Or are you still with the other guys- with the firm?
K: No, everything fell through. I’m still unemployed, unfortunately.
D: Oh, come on!
K: Yah…
D: How can anybody that made MENSA with a – what did you have for a grade point average?
K: 4.1.
D: Yeah, 10.5 on the Richter Scale. And you’re unemployable? Give me a break. What are you, a slacker?
K: Kind of.
D: (Raucous laughter) No you’re not. You know the one thing they can’t take from you, K? Is your intelligence and your, you know what I mean, ah ah, are you desperate at all?
K: No, I’m fine.
D: Financially, you’re getting by all right?
K: Yeah. No- I called, I called to borrow money, Dad. Pay up!
D: (extraordinarily raucous laughter). Hey, K, I want you to be, ah, apprised, or appraised, or whatev- no, I can’t appraise you, cause there’s no – you’re priceless. So there’s no price to put on you. Bonnie is a – what are we, roommates?
B (off): Noooo….
D: Well, no, you live in the south building. Which makes us fellow neighbors.
K: Very nice.
D: And she’s- she has…a few…limitations, but she’s a honey. I took her go-cart racing yesterday.
K: Who won?
D: She did, of course! I couldn’t keep up with that wheelchair, for gad’s sake. She’s an amputee, K.
K: Ok.
D: And I try to help her with her PT and get her prosthesis on, make her do a few laps, get her up vertical. She’s a breath of fresh- and she’s a FANTASTIC artist.
K: Really?
D: Yeah, Bonnie and Johnny Artworks in my apartment. She pops it out like you can’t believe.
K: Oh, that’s great.
D: So anyway, yeah, no, it’s better than counting bricks!
K: But you’re so good at it!
D: (Raucous laughter) I lost my place, I had to start ovah! Ok, let me ask you this, and I just reviewed your beautiful picture when you and your sister- S – made the front page of the Sentinel.
K: Mm-hmm.
D: Never tell a secret in the garden. Why, K? Because…
K: I don’t know.
D: The corn has ears, and stalks.
K: Pfff, good one, Dad. Any more joke fodder?
D: The potatoes have eyes, the rutabeggya to lettuce alone.
K: Oh, that’s—
D: —And the trees will ask you to leave.
K: The trees will what?
D: Ask you to leaaa–vvee.
K: Oh. Heh heh.
D: Ouch.
K: Yeah.
D: That’s a stretch. Ha ha. I miss you like the queen bee misses pollen, Honey.
K: Thanks, Dad.
D: Oh, God bless you. What do you need, Bon?
B: (off) Tell her the joke about the chicken.
D: (to B) She’s probably heard it a hundred times. Oh, why did the chicken cross the road?
K: Why?
D: To go see his friend. Gregory. Peck.
K : Ohhh, ow. Ow.
D: Ow, ha ha ha. (raucous laughter).
K: Hey Dad.
D: Yes, Babe?
K: What’s Beethoven doing in his grave?
D: Ahhhhhhhh……………Enlighten me.
K: Decomposing.
B: (Raucous laughter off).
D: Ouch. You got me on that one kid, ha ha. I owe ya one! I love you! God bless you, K! You’re the highlight of my day. I mean that.
K: Thanks, Dad.
D: I mean, you know what I had to do this week?
K: What?
D: Oh, somebody put in a complaint. In the residence. And you know, the two mirrors I have in my apartment are in my medicine cabinet. Over my bathroom sink. And I got carried away. So I put them in backwards. So every time I look in the mirror I don’t see anything…..When they were face out – with the reflection – that son of a bitch scares the hell out of me!
K: Ha ha.
D: (raucous laugh)- the left one was- the right one was – ha ha , only you could understand that, Kid. I love you, K. God bless you. You just put the cream on the….cake. Gosh. Everything is good? How’s your mother?
K: She’s good.
D: (long, sinister pause). Well, the jury’s still out on that one. How’s your sister and your- grand- your niece?
K: They’re….wonderful.
D: (spontaneously irritated) Well, C promised me she was going to send me a letter…. I don’t like this one way street. I can’t call you, I don’t even know your address, I can’t write you a letter, send you a postcard. C was going to write me. Ah, it hurts, ok? And I cry on my pillow every night. Just bear that in mind. Ok, Honey?
K: D-did you get my postcard?
D: No.
K: You didn’t? Aw! I sent you a postcard.
D: From where, Jamaica?
K: No, Puerto Rico.
D: Oh, Puerto Rico. Yes I did. Thank you very much.
K: You’re welcome.
D: But there’s no return address—-
K: —–You want to write to the Atlantic Beach Hotel in Puerto Rico? Ha!
D: Pweeerto Reeco. Heh heh heh heh. Speak English, Kid. I didn’t send you to college to speak…trash language.
B: (mumbles something).
D: (to B): Oh, trust me, you ain’t telling K anything. Anyway, I miss you, Baby. Thank you so much, oh, you brighten up my life.
K: All right. Well I love you, Dad. And I’m glad that you have a friend in Bonnie, she sounds like a really nice lady.
D: Well she ain’t much to look at… (B laughing off)
K: …but she sure can play the piano?
D: No. Actually, I don’t know. Do you have any musical talent, Bonnie? She can play the radio. Ho ho! She’s getting real good at it. (slurringly) No, she- she- she has the gift when it comes to- taking- la crayyyyyon to le pappeeey- whatever pepper is. She’d blow you away and I know you have the- ah- for the artist- and Bonnie, she’s amazing. When it comes to…I come up with these— oh, I got one for you, K. I’ve come up with–I wish I had a way to flash this over to you….but I’ve come up with a new invention. Would you like to hear what it is?
K: Of course.
D: Odorless farts. (Pause). I’m gonna send you a drawing. Give me your address and I’ll send you some…U.S. mail. Are you still in that place I moved—
K: —So- I want to hear more about these odorless farts.
D: Well, it’s—- it’s a concept. I’m workin’ on a patent as we speak. I wanted to mail you a rough draft so you can tell me whether it’s a yay or a nay.
K: Yah, well, I hope you don’t blow it! HEHEHEHEH!
D: (Raucous laughter). Wait’ll you see this picture, Kiddo. Ha ha ha! What’s your address, YOU LITTLE PUNK?
K: All right, Dad, I love you, um, I’ll talk to you soon, ok?
D: (insta-anger again) You, you know what? No, listen to me, please. If I can’t even mail you a postcard— This is terrible. Do you realize how bad you’re tearing my heart out? This one way street? Byeeeeeeee byeeeeeeeeeee! (hangs up angrily)
K: All right, bye Dad.