Posts Tagged ‘satire’

The Universe Loves Me, the Universe Loves Me Not…

July 4, 2014

The Universe Hates Me:

rescinding-job-offer-small

Oh sorry, I meant fired.

Jan 3: Job Offer Accepted! I finally get to resign from my horrid, horrid job.

Jan 7: Resignation, and it feels so good.

Jan 10: Job offer….rescinded?!?! But dudes, I already quit my old job!!!

(Later that day):

Me: Can I have old job back?

Boss: Don’t worry.

HR Lady: No, sorry dude. It’s been 3 days, but we’ve already put into place a plan to replace you that cannot be undone. Fuck you.

Me: Let me get this straight. I went from having a new job to having no job?

HR Lady: Yes, as I just said, Fuck you.

Jan 14: New job offer, much better than the one that didn’t work out! Whee!!

Month of February: Second job offer slowly evaporates.

March: Unemployed.

unemployed

The Universe Loves Me: 

March: Unemployed!

HappyWomanSleeping

April: New new job offer accepted, and  job ACTUALLY HAPPENS!

The Universe Hates Me:

we're cool

Nothing personal, valued subordinate female employee.

My last day at the firm was supposed to be Jan 31. But because they like to humiliate you there, HR lady calls me in her office a couple weeks before on a Friday afternoon to say: Boss and Managing Partner decided that today’s your last day. Don’t worry, it’s nothing personal.

Boss, who I spent the entire morning with and who acted like everything was cool, conveniently out of the office that afternoon so that, after I worked for him for 5 years, he doesn’t have to say goodbye to me.

The Universe Loves Me:

At least I had time to fart in Boss’s chair.

chairfart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Universe Hates Me:

Two days into unemployment: timing belt breaks on Kia, destroying the engine. Have to sell for scrap.

images

Break my timing belt, break my heart.

The Universe Loves Me:

Friend Clark Kapowski works at car dealership, gets me a sweet sweet deal on a new Prius!

You_and_Me[1]

Courtesy of Clark Kapowski.

The Universe Hates Me:

And then THIS happened. A fucking tree fell on my fucking house.

2014_0618_10345400[1]

The Universe Loves Me:

Cat has unobstructed view to the street.

saul[1]

Wrong way, Stupid.

The Universe Hates Me:

Distracted by the fucking fuck tree, we ran out of oil.

TEMP_slider

So, as always, we called Paul’s Oil to come and bleed the furnace.. But they couldn’t come because Paul died. Seriously, Paul died. That is not funny.

The Universe Loves Me:

Nothing can make this right.1

The Universe Hates Me:

I feel tired, like, all the time. And then I’ll sleep too much and feel lousy about it.

The Universe Loves Me:

I get to wake up to this every morning.

Derekatnight

The Universe Hates Me:

Sometimes I have not been able to find graphics for my blog that I thought would be easy enough to find, and it’s really weird and I worry it has some deep scary cultural meaning. Just try finding: Co-Worker in Ugly Outfit or Pregnant Woman Running Scared in the Woods. Universe (i.e., Google), why dost thou forsake me?

The Universe Loves Me:

When I search for images of Martin Freeman doing something, they are always readily available. Seriously, try it.

Martin Freeman disco dancing.

 

Martin Freeman bubble bath

Martin Freeman bubble bath

Martin Freeman hamburger boobs

Martin Freeman hamburger boobs

 

Martin Freeman getting attacked by a tree that's probably about to land on someone's house

Martin Freeman getting attacked by a tree that’s probably about to fall on someone’s house

 

Martin Freeman really sad your cat died

Martin Freeman really sad your cat died

Martin Freeman rainbow hat

Martin Freeman rainbow hat

 

Martin Freeman hypothetically taking a dump

Martin Freeman taking a hypothetical dump.2

Conclusion:

“Disappointment is an endless wellspring of comedy inspiration.”

– Dr. Martin Freeman

—————

1 Derek: Nothing? What about the fact that I learned how to bleed the furnace myself and we have hot water and I have a sense of my own power and independence?

Me: What about PAUL, Derek, what about PAUL?!?

 

2 Derek: I don’t think you can use “hypothetical” like that. How could “dump” be “based upon hypothesis or conjecture?”

Me: Well, we certainly know that yours aren’t.

Derek: No one thinks you’re funny.

 

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