Interview with a Big Buns

You: Hi, it’s me and I’m here today with world renown blogger and member of the Calvinist elect, Big Buns.

Me: Please, please, hold your applause.

You: Let’s start at the beginning. Where were you born?

Me: Out of a vagina. Next question.

You: Eww, what would your mom say if she heard you talking like that?

Me: What does my mom have to do with it?

You: Because- you – well- ugh, nevermind. Moving on….who is your favorite author?

Vagina Woolf (left).

Me: Vagina Woolf.

You: Book?

Me: Womb with a View.

You: Is that all you can do? Make puerile jokes?

Me: Vaginas.

You: Ugh. Ok, look, I think we got off on the wrong —

Me: —-vagina.

You: So maybe we can start over?

Me: Sure thing, dirtbag.

You: Two and Half Men. Charlie Sheen or Ashton Kutcher?

Me: Go fuck yourself.

You: This interview is over.

Fin

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Pop That Cherry: Are You Ready to Go All the Way?

So a few years ago I made this rad board game. Ok, fine, Leah helped and Ted drew a bunch of the penises. Anyway, I’m giving you all the things you’ll need for playing it. I guess you’ll need to print stuff out or something, or maybe use this as a guide to create your own unique game board. I don’t really care. Also, don’t steal it or anything, that would be a dick move. You should keep your dick moves for game play. Final note: I inserted my friends’ names in here; you should do the same with your own.

Pop that Cherry!

Are you ready to go all the way?

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GAMEBOARD

RULES

OBJECT

To win the game.

NON-SARCASTIC OBJECT

Be the first player to advance 10 spaces on the scoreboard.  The player who successfully ascends to the POP! POP! POP! zone will literally lose his or her virginity.  Or, if the winner is some slut like Lindsay who hasn’t worshipped at the altar of Hymen since the Clinton era, everyone can look the other way and pretend it’s her first time.  Losers may roll their eyes as needed to help relieve their disappointment and blue balls/blue vaginas.

EQUIPMENT

This game is BYOG.[1]  Included: * Pop that Cherry Game Board * 1 Deck of about a billion trivia cards that Leah and I made * a certain sum of penis pennies * a sum certain of vagina dimes * two scoreboards, or one if I get lazy and only make one * ten wee penises for ascending the scoreboard * Imogen Flowers’ unique genius * 1 die if I can find one, otherwise BYOD [2] * Somewhere around ten playing pieces (“Skankers”) that you use to travel around the board with.

SETUP

1. Each player takes a Skanker and places it on “COME.”
2. Each player picks out a wee penis and places it at “START” on the scoreboard.
3. Each player starts the game with 5 penis pennies and 1 vagina dime.
4. Hottest player goes first.  If hottest player cannot be determined because no one wants to hurt the uglies’ feelings, then the person whose first name comes first in the alphabet goes first.  Play then follows in a counterclockwise fashion, or, if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere, clockwise- same as toilet flushing rhythms.

GAMEPLAY

On your turn, you:

• Roll the die and move that number of spaces.
• Follow the instructions on that space.
• Assuming you didn’t manage to lose your turn like a total asshole, you can buy trivia questions and advance on the scorecard with correct answers.  Your turn continues until you run out of money or fuck up and get a question wrong.

Penis Pennies:  One penis penny buys you one question.

Vagina Dimes:  You can get as many as 10 questions from this, but if you get a question wrong, you forfeit the whole vagina.  You have to use the vagina all in one go, just like in real life.

COME:  Collect 3 penis pennies as you reach around.

PONTUS PENIS, PETITE PONTUS PENIS, & PUSSY EXPRESS: If you land on the space adjacent to one of these crazy things, then on your next turn, you may ride them to the space they end up at, which counts as going one space.

FREE CLINIC: I didn’t say this yet, but all the vagina dimes and penis pennies that people spend on wrong answers go in the middle of the board.  If you land on Free Clinic, you get all the Money in the Middle, in addition to other perks…

STRATEGY HINT: Don’t fuck up.

WINNING THE GAME

I already told you how to win.  Stop being such a fuck up.  And good luck.

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[1] Bring your own genitals.^TM

[2] Use the context clues, a-hole.  It’s pretty obvious what BYOD stands for.

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TRIVIA QUESTIONS

Sorry about the crappy formatting on this. If it makes you feel any better, it took me an extraordinarily long time to make it look this terrible.

Define concupiscence.   A.    Impotence B.     Sexual perversion C.     Frigidity D.    Lust   D.        Lust.  Such as, “Lindsay got her new job because of her reputation as a concupiscent hobag slutmouth.”	Which European queen was rumored to have sex with horses?   Catherine the Great.  So Great.
Who were most numerous in pre-historic times?   A.    Men B.     Women C.     Hermaphrodites D.    Pancake-butts   A.         Men outnumbered women 3 to 2 giving an equivalent ratio for a high five.	True or False:   The ancient Romans thought a woman could get pregnant from swallowing during fellatio.   False.  They’re not so dumb as you, Zygotethroat.
What was the first taboo?   A.    Murder B.     Incest C.     Cannibalism D.    Promiscuity   B.         Incest.  Welcome home, sister.	True or False:   Crabs can get crabs.   I haven’t verified this, but I’m going to assume it’s false.
True or False:   Olive oil increases fertility.   False.  Bring a liter into the boudoir – it can be used as a spermicide!	True or False:   The average ballet dancer likes it up the butt.   True (factors in the proclivities of men in tights).
How come Henry VIII wasn’t able to produce healthy male heirs?   Because he had syphilis, like all Petersons.	Who is Smurfette’s father?   Gargamel.  He created her to overthrow the Smurfs, but it didn’t work out like that because she’s just another ungrateful daughter.
In ancient Rome, the following was thought to be an excellent way of expelling semen:   A.    Farting B.     Sneezing C.     Queefing D.    Douching   B. Sneezing.  Bless you, my cummy.	Can you get preggers the first time?   If a dude is answering: no. If a chick is answering: yes.   Or if it’s a chick who can’t have kids, the answer is no, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.  She might be sensitive.
True or False   During an experiment in California, a man who had been infertile for 2 years succeeded in impregnating his wife after 2 weeks of taking long cold baths instead of long hot ones.   False.  The experiment was in Kansas.	True or False   In order to keep Roman women from immorality, the emperor Augustus ruled in 18 BC that widows had to remarry within 2 years and divorcees within 18 months.   False.  The rule was to help the dangerously low birth rates.
True or False   Pubic hair reduces friction during intercourse.   True.  Thank God for your huge bush.	Who’s cuter, the player on your left or the player on your right?     The player on your left.  If correct, give 1 penis penny to the player on the right to appease that freak homely motherfucker.
True or False   Aphrodite could renew her virginity by bathing in sacred waters.   True.  Too bad you can’t, Sarah.	True or False   In the Hall of the Joyful Buddhas, Buddha statues were all having sex.   True.  Mmmmmmm, bring that porcelain belly over here, Siddhartha.
Whose sperm contributed to making Angelina Jolie?   John Voigt’s.	True or False:   They had penis rings in ancient China.   True.  That’s a good, long night of sex in your culture, David.
True or False:   Recent medical research suggests that early sexual intercourse decreases a woman’s risk for cervical cancer.   False.  It is thought to increase it.  Make sure not to tell this to your teenaged girlfriend.	True or False:   The word “fascinate” comes from a Latin word meaning “phallus.”   True.  You phallusinate me, Andrew.
The ancient Egyptians used a blend of laudanum, oil, cat’s womb, and raven’s egg as:  A.    an aphrodisiac B.     birth control C.     dye for gray hair D.    Nothing.  I made it up.   C.  Dye for gray hair.  I don’t “make stuff up,” Assface.	True or False:   There was a form of marriage in ancient Rome that was like a trial marriage, and was only legally binding after one year’s continuous association.   True.  Gimme some o’ that.
True or False:   It wasn’t until 1943 that an English woman won the right to divorce her husband on the grounds of adultery.   False.  It happened in 1923, retard.	True or False:   In ancient Greece, streetwalkers had sandals that would print on the roadway for passersby to read, “Follow me.”   True.
What was probably the most common homosexual behavior in ancient Greek men?   A.    Anal sex B.     Thigh sex C.     Arm sex D.    Oral sex   B.  Thigh sex.  Pow!	Who wrote in his play, “The Birds,” “Well, this is a fine state of affairs, you damned desperado!  You meet my son, just as he comes out of the gymnasium, all fresh from the bath, and you don’t kiss him, you don’t say a word to him, you don’t hug him, you don’t feel his balls!  And yet, you’re supposed to be a friend of ours!”  A. Euripides                B.  Seneca C.  Sophocles              D.  Aristophanes   D.        Aristophanes.
The Paraguayans used stevia rebaudiana dried, powdered, and boiled in water; the Navajo a tea of ragleaf bahia; and the Shawshawnee an infusion of stone-seed roots for what purpose?   Contraception.  Do it up!	True or false:   In Papua, New Guinea, the Hua tribe still think a man can become pregnant by eating possum and may die in childbirth.   True.  Idjiots!
What is polyandry?   A.    Sex with more than one man at once. B.     A woman being married to more than one man. C.     State of having more than one son D.    Marrying for money.   B.  A woman being married to more than one man.  Big Love—Big Vagina Love.	True or False:   The Shins totally rule.   True, though not with an iron first.  More like with a pink cloud of transcendental joy puffs.
What percentage of morticians are necrophiliacs?   “It’s considered to be one of the hazards of dying in this country.”  If you answered with a percent, go back one space.  Stop being so literal.	True or False:   The Queen of England can have babies.   False – she’s way past passing eggs.
True or False:   In early Christianity, a married man could become a priest only if he abandoned his wife.   False.  He could be a priest if he were already married, but a bachelor could not marry after taking orders.	True or False:   The ancient Egyptians used barrier devices as a form of contraception.   True.
What is the capital of Madagascar?     Antananarivo.  That was way hard, so advance 2 spaces if you got it right.	In 19th century Western Australia, there was a tribe that ate every 10th baby born.  Why? A.    Because they could. B.     Because of the potato famine (solidarity, Irish brethren). C.     Tastes like chicken. D.    Trick Question!  Nobody eats babies (except Christopher Reeve). E.     To keep the population down.   E.         To keep the population down.
Which European country has citizens who masturbate the most?  Poland.  Even the Poles love Polish sausage.	Do non-human primate females have orgasms?   A.    Yes B.     No C.     Maybe so   B.  No, Perv!

EQUIPMENT

Sorry guys, it looks like I lost some of this when I moved. Here’s what you need to do:

Now, obviously, for the penis pennies and vagina dimes, just use regular pennies and dimes and your imagination.

Scoreboard: It should have as many columns as there are players, and there should be 11 rows- START (0) through 10 (POP POP POP zone). Make little different colored “wee penises” to use on the scoreboard. When you get a trivia answer correct, you advance the wee penis one space toward the POP POP POP zone.

Skankers: These were really cool, and it sucks I can’t find them. I will supplement if they turn up. Anywho, these are the characters you go around the board with. I found funny pictures of people on the internet, printed them out, and made them into moveable playing pieces to go around the gameboard with. They had the following names written on the back of their respective pieces: Randy Saddlebags, Baron Von Hymenschteel, Misty Underpants, Ivanna Lusercunt, Tom Throbbins (I suggest a pic of Tom Selleck à la Magnum PI), Lucy Crotchita, Seymour Pussyfoot, etc. It’s also funny to have one playing piece that’s just a picture of your friend with his/her real name on the back.

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Fin