Archive for the ‘Interviews’ Category

Interview II: Revenge of the Buns

May 26, 2014

You: Ok, so the last time I tried to interview you, it didn’t go so well…

Me: I thought it went pretty well.

You: And this time you’ve brought…..?

Me: This is my lawyer, Goldie Buns.

You: Is she–


The Newport Buns.

Me: No relation. Goldie Buns is of the Newport Buns, whereas I am of the Baltimore Buns.

You: I thought you said it went pretty well, then why did you bring your lawyer?

Goldie: I’ll ask the questions around here!

You: But I’m trying to conduct an interview!

Goldie: Objection, leading. Sustained. Please rephrase the question.

You: But I didn’t even ask a question!

Me: You didn’t ask a question? You suck at interviews.

You: May I ask a question now?

Me: You just did! (High Fives Goldie)

You: (groan). So, my notes indicate that you spent the fall of 2001 in Abu Dhabi, conveniently out of the country for 9/11…What were you doing there?

Goldie: Want to hear a cool story about how I was born early because my mom scared herself into preterm labor?


Goldie’s mom, freaking out early labor style.

Me: Yes! That sounds cool!

Goldie: So, she was walking through the woods and didn’t realize she was walking behind a shooting range…

You: Ugh, can I at least ask a question about summer fashion?


Oh Tyler, you are the living end!

Goldie: You just did! (Me and Goldie High Five again and put you to shame ).

Me: Remember that time I was high from getting my tooth pulled and then we went to CVS and I sat on all those whoopee cushions?

Goldie: Man, that shit is funny.

You: You weren’t high from getting your tooth pulled, you were high from the medications they gave you.

Goldie: Did you hear something?

Me: Hey Goldie, what do you call it when a boa can no longer constrict?

Goldie: What?

Me: A reptile dysfunction!

Goldie and me: Wha ha ha.

You: I don’t get it.

Me: You are just a shitty, shitty person.

Goldie: Yes, you are a shitty, shitty person as a matter of law.

You: Fuck you guys!!!!

Goldie: That’s it, you’re going to jail.


You, about to go to jail and looking like hot garbage. Also, the cop is your dad.




Interview with a Big Buns

May 4, 2014

You: Hi, it’s me and I’m here today with world renown blogger and member of the Calvinist elect, Big Buns.

Me: Please, please, hold your applause.

You: Let’s start at the beginning. Where were you born?

Me: Out of a vagina. Next question.

You: Eww, what would your mom say if she heard you talking like that?

Me: What does my mom have to do with it?

You: Because- you – well- ugh, nevermind. Moving on….who is your favorite author?


Vagina Woolf (left).

Me: Vagina Woolf.

You: Book?

Me: Womb with a View.

You: Is that all you can do? Make puerile jokes?

Me: Vaginas.

You: Ugh. Ok, look, I think we got off on the wrong —

Me: —-vagina.

You: So maybe we can start over?

Me: Sure thing, dirtbag.

You: Two and Half Men. Charlie Sheen or Ashton Kutcher?Image

Me: Go fuck yourself.

You: This interview is over.


%d bloggers like this: