True Confessions II: I’m Dumb as Bricks

 I got into an Ivy League law school. Aren’t I amazing?

The one I got into was the one with the suicide gorge, so I decided I had better not go there. Smart and wise….

BUT…also dumb as bricks. Here are some of my greatest hits:

1.  One time in my early 20’s I applied for a copyrighting position. That’s right- “copyright.” I also asked for a salary that was “commiserate” with my experience and education. Still not sure why I didn’t get an interview.

A great source of wool…

 

2. In a college psychology class, the professor was asking what cotton and wool had in common. I had already piped up about double letters and that they are both fabrics, when I took it too far: “they both come from plants.” I said it with such authority that the professor nodded. I quickly corrected to “I mean…they are both natural fibers,” but the damage was done.

3.   Me: What’s the difference between Citizen Kane and Slumber Party Massacre?

You: I don’t know, what?

Me: I’ve seen Slumber Party Massacre.

That’s all he ever wanted out of life… was love. That’s the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn’t have any to give.

4. As a child, I thought the Dukes of Hazzard was a drama.

Luke Duke can go fuck himself.

 5. It took me a really long time to understand the proverb, “A stitch in time saves nine.” Nine what, dammit!!! Nine what? People? How does time save them? And is this “in time” thing some sort of a metaphysical state of being?

6. One time I thought the Pats were playing the Patriots. In baseball.

7. I was assisting a very arrogant trial attorney named Mark at court. He was giving his closing statement, and told a few mild jokes during it that we all chuckled audibly to. Then he said to the jury, “Now, the plaintiff’s attorney is going to say a few words after me. And while he’s talking, I want you to think to yourselves, ‘What would Mark say?’” It sounded strikingly similar to “What Would Jesus Do” and so I laughed out loud with everyone else. Only, no one else was laughing. Mark wasn’t impressed.

Jesus, Attorney-at-Law: What would Jesus Do?
Opposing Counsel: Objection!
Judge: Sustained.
GOD: Overruled. Jesus, you may proceed.

 

8. Many of my misunderstandings with the world have more to do with my ears than my mind. Examples of my hilarious hearing deficits:

1. Take it with a grain of salt = Take it with a great assault
2. George Michael song “Too Funky” – “Would you like me to seduce you, is that what you’re trying to tell me?”  =  “Would you like me to introduce you, is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

9. My mom has her own vocabulary. I call it Judyspeak. This propensity for neologisms led to some problems. For example, I thought for years that “Mondale Button” was the scientific term for a cat’s butt. Thanks, Mom.

10. When I was about 5, my older and slightly overweight cousin Ginny asked me if she looked pregnant. The word “pregnant,” however, was tragically way past my pay grade. But I couldn’t expose my ignorance. I figured I had a 50/50 chance of getting the question right, so I went for it. “Yes?” Ginny wasn’t impressed.

Are you gonna eat that?

 11. Probably that same year, there was all this weird pink stuff on the ground that kind of looked like bubblegum. I asked my dad what it was, and he freaked out. “Kristy! That’s insulation! It’s made out of cancer! Don’t go near it, don’t touch it, don’t even think about it!” ….Thank God he hadn’t seen me eating it. 

BONUS SECTION

Derek wanted me to put this in my blog today, so here you go:

Million dollar ideas come to me all the time, often in my dreams. I am truly blessed. Last night I came up with another winner: Pizza delivery strippers.

Meat Lovers Pizza- Hold the Sausage.