Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Getting Down with the D part II: more beauty tips

March 8, 2014

You: “Holy crap, seriously? She has even MORE beauty tips?!?”

Me: “Fahking right.”

Lipstick

Unless it just happens that you already have some lipstick you like, I would not recommend this product. Buying lipstick is a pain in the ass. Most of them just dry up on your lips and make you look like a big dick. And rumor has it that some lipsticks even get on your teeth- like I don’t have enough stuff stuck in my teeth, thank you very much.

> Yawn <

Eye beauty

So you’ve got dark circles and bags under your eyes. That’s normal, you don’t give a shit.

But what IS bothering you are the crease lines all around your eye sockets you got from sleeping all day. What can you do? Concealer? Eye shadow? Mascara?

I have a better way. Sunglasses- your one-stop shop for that flawless “I get out of bed in the morning” look.

Quiz

Hey guys, look, I made a quiz. Ok, I wrote one question. Fuck off.

1. I decided not to dress up for the party because:

a. I gave all my makeup and miniskirts to charity

b. it’s too much work

c.  every time I try to be pretty, a feminist loses her wings

d. it just seems so shallow. I want people to see me for me

e. I’m too poor to have makeup and miniskirts. I wish there was a charity for that

SOLUTION:

b. it’s too much work

If you didn’t get it right, you’re seriously a douche. If you did get it right, way to go, Einstein. Nobody’s impressed.

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Getting Down with the D

March 8, 2014

Unemployment and a tendency toward depression do not mix. Only, at the same time, they also go together like toast and jam. Sad jam. This idea is encapsulated in the following joke that some people who are dumb don’t like but that you and I think is cool:

Q :  What do you get when you jump off a dock, and you’re on a dock?

Image

Image

A: A paradox.

Good one, am I right? Of course I am.

So here are some things I can do from my couch of shame where I currently reside: watch tv, watch worse tv, read, sleep, donate my body as a pillow for cats (see Fig. 1.)

Fig. 1

eat (if I’m fortunate enough to have someone bring me food), and now, write a blog. Don’t worry, my bored compadres, it will not last.

BEING BORING

So I’m going to give you some helpful rambling tips to impress your friends. Here’s one:

Q: I’m a depressive type, and frankly I’m kind of boring. How do I become interesting?

A: Take something interesting, and be bored by it. Then you will instantly become more interesting than that which made you bored.

Note: this rule does not apply if you are bored by my writing, which you should find blindingly fascinating. If not, you’re a turd.

BEAUTY TIPS

Now, a lot of depressives probably need beauty tips, and they need them from me, because man, am I full of good ideas. For the uninitiated, “beauty” is a misnomer. The goal is to look like you are functioning. As in the application of makeup (so I’m told), the key is to blend.

Trick # 1: Hairspray

So recently I discovered this new product, and it is revolutionizing the way I do business. It’s called “hairspray,” have you heard of it? My friend Allen was shooting a commercial in my kitchen, which featured me stuffing chocolate gluten free cookies in my mouth. A perfect way for a depressive to earn some extra dough doing what she loves. Allen wondered if there was a solution to the fly-aways that perpetually crown my face with an aura of dazzle-frazzle when my hair is in a ponytail (it is always in a ponytail), and he mentioned this new product that’s sweeping the nation, called hairspray. By some miracle, I owned some. No doubt the hair fairies left it for me. With just one dose of the stuff, my fly aways stuck seamlessly to my head.

Now, as you might imagine, this has huge ramifications. It means that I can look normal even after several days without showering.[1]

No shower? No problem!


[1] Mom: You are showering, aren’t you?

Me: Oh yeah, Mom, of course. Every day. You know, right after the gym.

Trick # 2: Deodorant

So another good beauty product that fits neatly into this theme is the old fail-safe, deodorant. This product was originally invented quite by accident by one Baron von Slothensmell. One sunny day, in one of his rare fits of energy, the good Baron had been slumbering in a hammock. A strong breeze came up, pushing the mighty man out of his sweat nest and rolling him across a field of fragrant flowers of the genus “Lilium Rollonium” below. Where his stench had been, now was only a fresh Summer’s Eve. (Get it? Summer’s Eve. You don’t get it. God, you’re dumb.)

Anyway, as the Europeans discovered, deodorant can lengthen your time between now and a shower for even more days than hairspray.

BUT what, pray tell, can one do if she runs out of deodorant and has to actually go somewhere? Imagine, you’ve got a couple of friends that you actually like, and they’ve invited you to do something relatively easy, like going to the movies. You kind of want to go and everything. Lo and behold, the roll-on coffers have run dry. Don’t panic: you do have some options.

1.Plan ahead.

Well, kind of. Planning ahead is for losers who get shit done and spend all day patting themselves on the back. Go on the internet (it should be just inches in front of you, emanating from a screen on your lap) and see if the movie theater is near a drug store. You can buy deodorant at drug stores. Leave 3-5 minutes earlier than you normally would have, and then go buy deodorant at said drug store.

But wait! What if you didn’t give yourself 3-5 minutes, or you just don’t have it in you to go all the way to the front of the store to buy it and maybe they’re going to make you stand in line and all that shit? Solution: go to the deodorant aisle, open up a stick, and apply it in secret. Get it, Secret? Still nothing? Jesus, you’re stupid. Read a book or something.

Ok, so maybe that all fails and the idea of going into a store and THEN to the movies is just simply more than you can bear, and so the whole movie idea is kind of starting to not work for you. Solution:

2. The telephone.

Pick up a telephone, and call your lead friend. She can then pass the news onto others so you don’t have to. Better yet, text. Say that you sadly cannot go, as you are housebound.

You’re welcome.


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