True Confessions

Look, I’ve got to get a few things off my chest, but you have to promise this stays between you and me.

You: Uh….you’re putting this on the Internet.

Me: Confession #1 – what’s the Internet?

I Lie

A classic case of sun rash.

Lying for coworkers. Natalie and I used to work together as legal assistants. After she left her abusive boyfriend, she went through a “make-out slut” phase[1]. One morning she showed up to work covered in hickeys after a close encounter with a human vacuum cleaner. Natalie told everyone she had a “sun rash.” I stood by her in her time of need, and proclaimed loudly to anyone who would listen, “Ah man, sun rashes are the worst and also they exist. I have totally had like 4 cases of ‘the rashes’ in my life. Let’s all give Natalie some pie.”

Lying to coworkers. Whenever I have to choose between being nice and being honest, I usually pick being nice. If someone has a new hairdo, I tell them I like it, when really I usually feel nothing more than, “I notice you look mildly different.” If someone at work is wearing a loud outfit, I tell her I like it simply to avoid the social awkwardness of gaping and pointing.

Lookin’ good, Deb!

Faking a Pregnancy?? But I’m already married! My senior year in college, I landed a pseudo-acting gig at some fancy schmancy woodsy resort in upstate New York for the summer. I was supposed to lead people around the place pretending it was the 1800s and that I was a new Irish immigrant who had escaped the potato famine. But I had second thoughts. I had recently married, and wanted to follow Didier to France instead of languishing alone in the woods. I waited and waited until the last possible minute to get out of it. Garnering all my cowardice, I sent the resort an email that I was preggers and couldn’t come. The resort dude called and I made Didier answer the phone.

Shame on you, Wife-Child!

For 40 odd minutes, Didier had to deflect the persuasions of the resort guy – “We can make this work! She can get all the prenatal care she wants here in the woods!” After he finally hung up, Didier wouldn’t even look at me. I learned years later, as we were breaking up, that Didier had never forgiven me for my indiscretion, and was “disappointed in me” for lying and making him complicit in the lie, even though the whole point of my charade was so that I could be with him. He did have the moral high ground, though, having only cheated on me once in our five year relationship.[2]

I Cheat

First, let me just explain that I grew into my morals over time. I would never ever ever have cheated in college or law school, where I actually gave a shit. But before I became the paragon of morality you see before you: lazy desperate times called for desperate measures.

Me, being smart and popular.

Original sin. School and me go way back. School was good to me, and I was good to it. In grade school, I was always smarter than everybody — like way, way smarter. That’s why I was able to make so many friends.

Picture it, first grade: there I was, flying high without a care in the world- when all of a sudden I was stopped dead in my tracks. Teach gave us the math worksheet from hell. There was no way to solve it, it was completely inscrutable. I looked around for sympathy. Everyone else was breezing through it. Even Ryan Thibodeau, who sat behind me and drooled on his desk. Time kept ticking by, and there I sat, internally pissing my pants. Teach tried to help me, but to no avail. Finally, she let everyone go to recess, and I was left behind to complete the assignment, abject and alone. Ryan’s finished worksheet winked at me seductively from his desk. Was this a setup? Were there spies everywhere, just waiting for me to take the bait? Or had Teach taken pity on me as I agonized futilely over this veritable Da Vinci Code? Did she want me to cheat? I concluded that she did, and respected her decision.

Er, did I say jazz? Blues! I meant blues!

Muddy, Muddy Waters. 9th grade was my most morally bankrupt year. I was too busy growing a pair of kick ass boobs to give a crap about my immortal soul.  One time Mrs. Cross was forcing us to read biographies and then write book reports. Gross. I was too lazy to read a whole book, so I found some liner notes in a Muddy Waters CD that contained a short biography. Not short enough, though, for my delicate constitution; I just copied it and called it a day. Mrs. Cross called me up after class to have me explain my obvious plagiary. I channeled the State of Florida, and stood my ground. “Uh, well, you see, Mrs. Cross, there were all these jazz terms— he was a jazz musician, right? — that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t know how to put the concepts into my own words.”

Result: B-.

I Steal

It all started in junior high, when I would fill my sweatshirt pockets with gum at the corner store. In 9th grade (of course), I advanced to shoplifting clothes.

Even though I was a totally badass shoplifter, I had a lot of compunction about it. The guilt of my crimes drove me to distraction, and I told my mom everything in a fit of hysterics.

Forgive me! Forgive me! I stole all the gum!

I was so pathetic that instead of punishing me[3], Mom had to rock me back and forth like a baby until I calmed down. She even told me that shoplifting wasn’t so evil, and that she’d done it herself as a child. There was never a discussion about apologizing to store owners or repaying my debt to society, thank God.

For a while, I was cured. But then in 10th grade, shit got real again.

I had been musing to Angela about my glory days:

* Shoplifting 101: pick out a bra you want, and carefully hide it in a big pair of pants, etc. Then go to the changing room with the decoy apparel and pretend you’re going to try it on. Once in the stall, put the bra on under your clothes. Then go out and put the pants on the reject rack. Leave store. Come back another day. Repeat.

Angela could already taste the forbidden fruit of the loom. Resistance was futile; she quickly talked me into pulling one last heist.[4]

The mark: Kmart, the Pierre Cardin of Waterville, Maine. The score: bras and undies. We walked over to Kmart with evil in our hearts.

It would probably have worked out just fine, but we got greedy. Too many panties, not enough pants. Angela panicked, and put all her clothes away. I was about to follow suit, when all of a sudden my mom showed up OUT OF NOWHERE.

“It’s raining really hard so I thought I’d pick you up!” (Thanks for nothing, Mom.[5])

Us, if Kmart had won. Poor Mom got caught in the crossfire.

I froze. “Uh, ok. I’ve just got to try a few things on.”

 

By the time I got to the changing rooms, all of my unmentionables had migrated to the bottom of a pair of pants in one guilty bundle. A young employee began inspecting my wad at the service desk. Just as she was about to come to the undies ball, I pulled it out and confided, “Sorry, I hid them because I was embarrassed walking around the store with underwear.” [6] I had momentarily neutralized the threat. As I walked into a dressing room,  she booked it to the manager. Then I snuck out, and put everything back like it was hot.

Shortly thereafter, a store manager came up to me with menacing adult authority.

“What are you doing?” he barked. But he was no match for me.

“Shopping,” I said witheringly, in cold blood. He limped away, rubbing his deflated ball sacs.

But despite the trail of employee carnage behind me, I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder. Some murky, amorphous retribution was waiting for me.

And Mom was taking forever. “Oh look, Kristy, did you need some notecards?” I just barely got out of there alive.

Result: A narrow escape, a moral victory.[7]

End of Part I

In our next installment of True Confessions: “I Pee My Pants,” “I’m Dumb as Bricks,” and “I Should Have Paid More Attention to After School Specials.”

[1] Don’t act like you didn’t, Trenchmouth.

[2] I never cheated on him, which was the least I could do, considering the gravity of my lies.

[3] I should mention that my mom has punished me a total of zero times in my life.

[4] As you can see, it was all Angela’s fault.

[5] My mom is actually the best mom in the world. If I find out you said anything about her, you’re dead! Well, probably not, but it will really hurt my feelings.

[6] God, I’m good.

[7] My friend Charo wasn’t so lucky. She is permanently banished from Walmart.

 

ONE MORE THING: I encourage you to write your own confessions in the comments!

Pranks!

Did you know that if you grow up with a mean drunk of a dad, that you get to do whatever the fuck you want and no one can get mad at you? I for one loved to pull pranks, and they were hella funny. But just in case you think they’re mean, I put that stuff about my dad right up front so you’d feel too bad to judge me. [1]

Cast of Characters

Me: You know, that awesome woman what writes this blog.

Foxy[2]: My best friend to this very day. Can you believe that shit? What’s nice is that the fact I’ve managed to have the same friend for nearly 30 years is proof positive that I don’t have borderline personality disorder. Foxy also had a crazy home life, so we both had diplomatic immunity for our dickishness. One time, her mom and stepdad were low on money, and had to make the Sophie’s choice of buying formula for Foxy’s baby sister or buying cigarettes. They picked the latter and gave the baby a bottle of half & half mixed with water. Her stepdad had a weird spot in one of his eyes and was always in his underwear.

Angela: One of my oldest and dearest friends. Angela had an excellent home life, but I did have one thing she didn’t….junk food! I’m talking Twix bars, Girl Scout cookies, 4 flavors of soda, the good chips, sour cream for dippin’, ice cream bars, ice cream sandwiches, etc. etc. etc.

Angela and I dedicated many hours to playing with the Ouija board in my room. One time we were contacted by Satan, who told us he was sitting on the bed. We went to check, and the bed felt all sinisterly cold. We totally flipped our shit.

This really happened.

Angela was really popular because she was nice to everyone, and was even voted homecoming queen. Moral: movies about high school are full of shit. Moral II: that’s why I love them.

Charo[3]: This girl was funny, funny shit. In junior high, we used to stand on the side of the road and wait for cars to go by. When they did, Charo would hunch over and curl her arms into claws, and lisp, “Yesth mathster,” while I beat her with a stick.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, do a Google image search for “person getting beaten with stick.”

Foxy and I assumed Charo was depressed like us, but it turns out she just had a real bad case of “the Maines.” Charo had moved to Maine from Virginia in 7th grade, and winter did not agree with her. She lived in the middle of nowhere and was always stuck in this claustrophobic shack while her real house was being built, one piece of wood at a time.

Jesus, Charo, what’s your problem?

Charo and I had shitty eyesight and even shittier glasses. One day we were strolling through the park and some guy was there playing air guitar. Only maybe he wasn’t playing air guitar.

Regina: My pyromaniac friend who threw her bra on stage when the navy band played at our school and once took a dump on home plate. Now she’s a marine biologist.

 

Phone Pranks

This was me and Angela’s thing.

Angela and I watched the movie Amazon Women on the Moon pretty much every day in junior high. I hope one day as I’m winning a Newbury Award or maybe a Pulitzer Prize in literature, I can cite that as one of my biggest influences. Take that, Maya Angelou!

I believe that if you are not familiar with this comic gem,  that you suck and don’t deserve me to explain the movie to you. Derek disagrees, so here you go, Loser: Amazon Women on the Moon features a bunch of comedy sketches with super famous people intercut with a spoofy 50’s sci-fi movie.

We did not get all the jokes. There was this one skit called “Blacks without Soul,” and I really didn’t understand what “soul” meant in this context. It was styled as a PSA, with B.B. King asking for donations for this terrible ailment. It heavily featured David Alan Grier wearing Liberace shirts and selling his best hits album with songs like, “Blame it on the Bossa Nova.”[4]

Angela and I were most baffled by this scene where a black man was talking about a car he had bought. He was dressed like a pimp and walking through a sketchy  neighborhood. We, being rural Mainers, just interpreted this as “City Life, City Clothes.” So then he says, “Safety and good mileage are the two things I look for in a new car. That’s why I bought a Volvo station wagon.” This was a real head-scratcher. The best we could come up with was: “Volvos are, like, really dangerous cars?”

Anyway, as we knew in our hearts that this was the funniest movie ever made, we decided to share its greatness with the world. We used to call strangers, ask if they wanted to buy a Blacks Without Soul album, hit a few clumsy notes on the piano, and then croon “Jeremiah was a bullfrog.” I see now that this may have been offensive. Thank God for my diplomatic immunity.

You can imagine how our hearts broke with the advent of caller ID. Foxy and I learned the hard way that its evil clutches even transcended town lines. We were at her grandma’s in the Big City, Portland, calling this dude Jason[5] over and over and hanging up. Then, just as we were almost out the door and scot free, Jason’s mom called the house… And we were almost out the door.

Then there was Davy. This one requires a lot of backstory that I’m too lazy to tell. One day, if I feel that you’ve earned it, I will let you in on the Cult of Davy. For now, here’s a taste. We called Davy anonymously and he told us he was having a party. Foxy asked to go, and then this happened:

Davy: Are you ugly?

Foxy: Kinda.

Davy: How much you weigh?

Foxy: 200 lbs.

Davy: That’s ayyyight.

Davy was a true gentleman.[6]

Valentine’s Day Pranks

The high school would do a Valentine’s Day fundraiser every year. You paid a dollar, and got to give someone a piece of candy and a card. You could sign the card or give it anonymously. It was a comic goldmine.

Making fun of nerds was mean, but popular kids were fair game. Especially jocks. So we always sent some amazing anonymous cards to our favorite people.

Not cool.

Fair game.

Cory: Cory once said Foxy was sexy, and that he wanted to sleep with her. What a jerk! His Valentine’s Day card: (to the tune of Hey Mickey):

Oh Cory you’re so fine

I wish you’d unzip your fly, Hey Cory! Hey Cory!

Oh Cory what a pity you don’t understand

You take me by the heart when your dick is in my hand

Oh Cory, you’re so pretty, can’t you understand

It’s guys like you, Cory! Oh what you do to me, do to me

Do me again, Cory!

If we’d known this was coming, we would have been nicer to Jimmy.

Jimmy: This guy was just kind of generally a dick. I remember in junior high he dated this very nice girl, and after they broke up, he made some disgusting comment about how she was “dry.” A few years ago, he went crazy and managed to hold up a bank with a bible or something.

His Valentine: “Your sexuality makes me want to crawl into a cave and die.”

Jeremy Jones: This guy was high school hot. My sister once told me and Angela that your boobs got bigger if you saw hot guys. So our joke was, “I saw Jeremy Jones and my boobs went from an A to a C cup in 10 seconds!” Rumor has it that he moved to a trailer park in Florida, where he pimps out his high school sweetheart.

His Valentine: “Jeremy Jeremy, I would say, I would make an easy lay. [Something something something] I hope I’ll fuck you again someday.”

Now all these idjits thought their Valentines were the odes of pining secret crushes. Sorry, dudes, you were a pack of dicks. [7]

My Enemies

Look! It’s Derek’s ancestor. https://imogenflowers.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/things-i-dont-like-about-my-boyfriend/

Steve: There is nothing I hate worse than an annoying person. I would rather play Frisbee golf with a bank robber than spend five minutes in the same room with a boor. And I HATE Frisbee golf.  I’m pretty sure it was invented by sadists in the 17th century to punish elementary school students with poor motor skills.

Steve’s crimes were manifold. We had actually briefly been friends in junior high, but then he wrote me a love note and stuck it in my locker. From that point forward, he was dead to me. It gets worse. One time he wrote an essay which included terms like, “Womyn” and “chrystyan.” Steve was always making painfully dumb jokes in class and then he’d hee-haw like a donkey at his own material. Where others simply rolled their eyes, Regina and I saw an opportunity. Every day in Reading class, she and I would sit together with a piece of notebook paper between us, surreptitiously keeping a tally of all Steve’s asinine comments. We helped Steve reach his full potential and break old records by laughing encouragingly at everything he said.

It gets even worse. One time Steve and I were sitting in the hall working on a project, and Steve farted. By a stroke of good fortune, Foxy happened to be walking by. We shouted in unison, “Go get some Ex-lax!” Score. (NB: for those purists out there, yes, I know that Ex-lax does not stifle farts. But if you can’t appreciate the metaphorical beauty of our joke, then you simply do not comprehend the transcendental nature of comedy. You probably also hate the spirit of Christmas.)

Christina:  God, I hated this girl. You can’t even believe the shit she pulled. First, we had the same name, only she spelled it wrong. Christina was a year below me in school, which was already suspect. She made things worse by being two years ahead in math whereas I was only one year ahead. So that bitch was in my math class. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was also in my English class. Christina even did drama, despite the fact that drama was my thing. Ok, in hindsight, I might have been the problem here.  To be fair, though, one time at a poetry slam she read a super lame poem she’d written with her little sister. It rhymed.

Mrs. Cross: We hated her so much, and yet all I can remember of her crimes was that she used to say the phrase, “in a nutshell,” interminably. One time Charo and I snuck into her classroom and looked through her stuff. Mrs. Cross had the tallies for the gifted and talented writing program, and I did not make the cut. I only had like two or three checks near my name. Foxy had by far the most votes. She was, and continues to be, a very talented poet. Even you’d like her poems, and you hate poetry. So then Charo and I left her a note in her mailbox in the teacher’s lounge (did I mention we also broke into the teacher’s lounge?): “Roses are red, violets are blue, golly gee Mrs. Crotch, we sure hate you.” How I didn’t get more votes for GT writing remains a mystery.

---

[1] Sucker.

[2] Full name: Foxy J. Sheen. Foxy’s parents were heavily influenced by the works of Michael J. Fox and Charlie Sheen.

[3] If you thought this was really her name, you’re dumb as shit. I asked her what she wanted her fake name to be, and she said, “Charo McElvis.” Ms. McElvis, your wish is granted.

[4] If you’re still lost, go watch the God damn movie and then report back.

[5] Jason later shaved his head and joined a cult. Most likely in response to our prank calls.

[6] His brother recently went to jail for drug trafficking.

[7] Cory actually did end up getting penis enlargement surgery.  My friend Lara slept with him after high school, and he had a notably small penis. Then a few years later, she slept with him again. Afterward, he asked, “Did you notice anything different?” It was the best moment of my life, and I wasn’t even there.

Brandeis is the Worst Place on Earth

To be fair to Brandeis, it was the worst place on earth circa 1998. Perhaps since then it’s become a Shangri-la of scholarship. Fortunately for the reader, however, I have no interest in being fair to the biggest vortex of suckiness that the universe has ever seen.

They have a castle. That’s how they get ya.

I didn’t know when I got in that I had been accepted to fulfill some internal quota requiring that the school admit a minimum of 5-10 (and no more than 20) totally bitchin’ college students. For that reason, they didn’t send me the brochure they must have sent to the rest of the student body, which I imagine looked something like this:

Welcome, Freshmen!

• Are you socially awkward, and kinda ugly?
• Would your personality be best described as “irritating?”
• Are you planning on “letting loose” in college by amping up your religious conservatism?

Well, do we have good news for you! Come join your warty hands with your fellow uglies[1], and enjoy 4 years of junior high dances pretending to be college parties!

FAQS

Q: I like the idea of racial diversity, but am not really ready to commit. Is this the right place for me?

A: Brandeis boasts a highly diverse campus just the way you like it. None of the different ethnic, religious, or other social groups ever interact with each other! It’s a nervous liberal’s paradise! You’ll be able to make friends who are just like you and still brag at your Goldman Sachs interview that you have walked by people of all races, religions, and creeds!

The Curse Of Brandeis

When Anna and Jennie visited me, two of their tires popped in the Brandeis parking lot. When my pal Leeman came to visit, he also popped two tires. And then he split his pants.

So, in conclusion, let me say this to my non-existent teenage fan base: if you go to Brandeis, you will die a horrible death. It will probably be from a disease that doesn’t even exist yet, like terminal herpes or infectious reverse warts.[2]

You, dying a horrible, horrible death. You’ve been warned.

Part II: Dating at Brandeis is the Worst Thing in the World

One of my three friends, Shoshanna, was deciding whether or not to accept the advances of a boy she wasn’t really interested in. A girl with a long-term boyfriend gave her some great advice:

“You’ve found someone who likes you. You must stay with him forever and force yourself to like him,” she said, furiously wringing her hands while she stared ahead in a desperate dissociative panic. With a dating climate like that, I was ready for romance!

Boyfriends are great!

And so I dated Plamen. He did have one thing my seventeen year old heart yearned for: foreignness. That mattered to me then because I was a turd. He had an accent, and even though it wasn’t a particularly good one, it was good enough for me. (Later on, in my “refined turd” phase, I’d only melt for English and French accents.)

He went by the self-inflicted nickname, “Space.” When Jennie came for a visit, she more accurately dubbed him, “Flathead.” And he was always wearing this black t-shirt that listed all the world religions’ philosophies thusly:

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

(Fortunately, I didn’t write this offensive cosmic jiz, so I don’t have to feel responsible for unleashing it onto the world.)

I suppose another sign that it wasn’t going to work out was right at the start of our relationship. We were taking a hike in the mountains, and sat down for a rest. The sun was setting, and everything it touched was ablaze with gold. I leaned in for that first kiss.  But just before I closed my eyes, I made the mistake of looking at him. He had, without warning, suddenly mutated into an eager Gollum, leering at me from the shadows.

Romantipulsive

It occurred to me as I shuddered through that romantic moment that maybe he wasn’t the right guy for me, but for some reason (coma?), I ended up staying with him for two whole months. Things did not get better.

So let that be a lesson to you, kids. Don’t date Gollums. Hold out for Hobbits. https://imogenflowers.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/things-i-dont-like-about-my-boyfriend/

Here’s another awkward moment in our relationship: I was in the middle of telling him I liked him very much, but tragically stuttered a bit. He responded with a smile and self-satisfied laugh, “I love you, too.” What was I supposed to say? Look, I was saying I like you, not I love you. I don’t love you. As for your loving me, I guess I can live with that.

Things went from bad to worse. One time we went to Boston and missed the last train back to Waltham. We were stranded there overnight. We wandered around and eventually squished our bodies together on a park bench. Oh, and did I mention it was November? Five hours later, we walked the 75 miles to the nearest train station. When we got back to campus, I learned that his sister lived in Boston, but that he hadn’t wanted to disturb her. Space was just lucky I didn’t have a gun.

Then came the death knell. It rang twice. First, on Thanksgiving, when he smoked pot with my dad. The second was back at school, when he cut his hair to look like Nicolas Cage in Face-Off.[3]

Don’t worry, Dear. This is how love is supposed to feel.

I really shouldn’t have let it come to that.

The aftermath: he bugged me for the rest of the semester, making me Ramen Noodles while I was studying for finals. Space evidently thought I would sell my companionship for soup. Over Christmas break, he sent me a package containing a large plastic dinosaur that symbolized me and my destructive heart-killing forces.  Believe it or not, this didn’t win me back.

My stony, stony heart was somehow unmoved.

The next semester, he started dating my roommate. She listened to Dave Matthews Band.

---

[1] My friends from home and I called Brandeis “The Ugly School.” This created some awkwardness back in Portland when my cousin Anna had a friend visiting. He was super nice, but a bit unfortunate looking. Our buddy Chris, thinking the friend had driven up from school with me, asked innocently, “Do you go to The Ugly School?” Anna and I quickly defused the situation by loudly and emphatically over-explaining to him that Chris was referring to Brandeis, and not his ugly face.

[2] You: what the hell is a reverse wart?

Me: It’s a wart that grows into your body instead of projecting out from it. It slowly crushes your internal organs and pushes through arteries and veins until they burst. I anticipate that it will be on the market by 2016.

[3] I decided I would be nice, and not mention his unrelenting impotence.

Who Wore it Better?

Agatha is owning this Allie Munier original headpiece. The hat says, “I’m a glamophile” and the briefcase says, “I’m working it!” While I love what Saul’s accessories are doing- a gray purse to bring out his natural low lights, and a zebra striped snuggy to show off his “funky” side-  it doesn’t even looks like he wants to be wearing the hat. Sorry, Saul, you are just not red carpet ready. Winner: Agatha.

Things I don’t like about my boyfriend[1]

Derek is pretty cool, I guess, but he has some terrible personality flaws that you need to know about. Now, I don’t think Derek would want me to put up photos of him in a public forum, so I am going to use the celebrity he most resembles as a proxy. Thank you for your face, Martin Freeman.

Derek thinking super profound thoughts. NOT!

1. Derek Won’t Dance

Unless he’s drunk. And he’s only drunk if he’s been out late at clubs with his friends. And I can’t stay out late because I am not some kind of superwoman. So, ipso facto, I never get to dance with my own boyfriend. And man, can I dance. Derek and I have only danced together maybe once or twice in our entire epically-long relationship, and he is completely to blame.

Blotto Derek late night dancing without me.

2. Derek Broke His Wrist

Derek broke his wrist when he hit a rough patch of road while riding his bicycle. And now he’s decided that he won’t ever go biking again. This despite the fact that I have lovely images of us biking side by side, probably holding hands, on a super romantic bike trail that likely leads to relationship heaven.

As you can see, prior to the accident, Derek loved riding his bike.

3. Derek’s Been Wearing a Dumb Leather Jacket that Just Isn’t Working

Derek looking dumb in his dumb leather jacket

As you can see, Derek just doesn’t look good in this jacket. He’s more of a peacoat guy. I wonder if I should say anything.

Derek: But K, I thought you did like it!?!

Me: Derek, the only reason you’ve been wearing it is because you couldn’t find a new winter coat you liked and you found this one buried at your mom and dad’s house.

4. Derek Can’t Read[2]

Derek pretending he can read.

Actually, I like this about Derek, because it’s hilarious. It seems he often just sees the first and last letter of a word, and guesses about its insides. Example:

Derek (reading my Facebook page over my shoulder like a total busybody): What does Theresa have to say?

Me: Trisha. It says Trisha. Are you drunk?

Also, here is a list of words that Derek pronounces wrong:

Word	Word that Comes out of Derek’s Dumb Mouth
Peripheral	Periphreal
Lithe	Lith[3]
Milk	Melk
Centaur	Centarr
Bed and Breakfasts	Bed and Breakfastses
Annals	Anals
Retina	Reteena
Hearth	Herth
Congenital Anemia Pendant	Congenitive Enema Pedant

5. Derek Can’t Swim

What kind of a person who grew up in a coastal town doesn’t learn how to swim? I’ll tell you who: Derek. Now, don’t go assuming he had shitty parents who kept him locked in the basement, not swimming. He had every opportunity to learn, and was too pouty and stubborn to do it.

Derek in the pool, smugly not swimming

6. Derek Doesn’t Like the Beach

Dislike #5 + Dislike # 6 = there goes my Caribbean vacation.

Boo hoo hoo, someone’s trying to make Derek have fun.

7. Derek is Too Cool for Halloween

Derek doesn’t like to dress up for Halloween, and heaven forbid we do a couple’s costume!

Derek: Uh, what about last year when you decided to dress up as me and we were going to be a Double Dose of Derek? So I spent a whole month growing a beard so that you could also have a beard. And then it’s Halloween and you’re like, “No I’m staying inside, I don’t want to go out.” So I grew a fucking beard for nothing, and it was itchy and it was a pain in the ass.

Me: No comment.

DD of D.

8. Derek Put a Razor in the Trash and Then I Cut My Finger on it on Trash Day

Artist’s rendition of Derek throwing the razor in the trash.

9. Derek Doesn’t Like the Common Ground Fair and Refuses to Move to Rural Maine

What kind of a person doesn’t like looking at a bunch of hippies looking at a bunch of animals? Who doesn’t want to learn about turn of the century farming techniques masquerading as new and improved farming techniques?

And everyone knows that rural Maine is a thriving region of the country full of trees, gas stations, and my relatives. Who wouldn’t want to get in on that?

10. Derek Loves the Cat More Than He Loves Me

My Facebook profile picture: a lovely photo of Derek and me at a friend’s wedding, looking happy and in love. My phone wallpaper: a cute silly picture of Derek wearing my kittens and mittens bathrobe. See how much I love him?

Derek’s profile pic? Him and Saul the cat. Derek’s phone wallpaper? Him and Saul the cat. Executor of Derek’s will? Saul the cat.

11. Derek Doesn’t Like Holidays

What a grouch!!!

12. Derek Won’t Wear Deodorant

Derek doesn’t wear deodorant and he thinks he’s getting away with it. Last summer was very, very hot. I think you know where I’m going with this…

Derek and his friend Jason at work. Jason can smile because he’s wearing deodorant and doesn’t smell.

13. Derek Never Gives Me Flowers

I’ve said to him like a million times, “Derek, it’s Valentine’s Day. Derek, it’s my birthday. Derek, I lost my job. Derek, Shirley Temple passed away. Derek, my Internet Explorer isn’t working. Please please please give me flowers!” And what do I get??!? A big pile of nothing.

Derek and my mom, opening night of my play. Note that my mom got me flowers. Thanks for nothing, Derek.[4]

THE END

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[1]You: Gee, isn’t this pretty mean-spirited? I mean, why would you write something like this? I just don’t get you sometimes.

Me: I could sit and bore you about all the things that make Derek great, but it would take forever and everyone would be rolling their eyes and throwing up into their Max Vibes. You’ll note my list of dislikes is tellingly short. That’s because Derek, like Mary Poppins, is practically perfect in every way.

[2]Guys, guys, obviously he can read. It’s called “hyperbole.” Did you just like not finish junior high or something?

[3] Scene: Derek and I looking at a dictionary as he pathetically tries to argue that his pronunciation is correct.

Derek: See? Lith. A joint, segment , or symmetrical part or division. That’s what I was saying.

Me: Bullshit.

[4]Derek: Actually, I have given you flowers on a number of occasions, probably like 3 or 4 times. And I’m pretty sure I did give you flowers when you were in the play.

Me: Not enough. You should be showering me with flowers on a biweekly basis.

Derek: Well, maybe if you started showering on a biweekly basis, you’d get more flowers!

Me: Psha.

About Jack

Here are some way cool facts about my Dad for your amusement and edification that I wrote back in February, 2009.

1. Dad calls my brother Adam, “Jack Junior.”

2. Dad thinks that animals understand sarcasm. One day, he was yelling at our dog Scottie, and then he pet him, saying, “He knows I’m just kidding.”

3. Recently, I was trying to sleep in my old upstairs room, but Dad was next door in his smoking room. In there, Dad likes to listen to music very loudly, conduct “business” on the phone very loudly, or talk to himself very loudly. On this particular morning, the music was off and the calls had stopped- and I heard him announce, “Ahhhh…my head hurts…my back aches…my feet stink.”

4. One wintry day, Dad got run over by a snow plow. It ran over his legs, and then backed up over his legs again. Dad got up and only had a few bruises. That’s when it began to dawn upon me that my father is either the luckiest or the unluckiest person in the world.

5. Dad got hit by a car in a parking lot and (of course) sustained no real injuries. He made sure to comfort the poor old lady who hit him.

6. Then there was the time that Dad got impaled on some uncapped rebar. Not a pretty sight. He nearly lost a testicle. I know, gross, but that’s what happened. (There were, of course, no permanent injuries- please see 4-5.) Now, Dad asked me not to tell anyone about the nature of his embarrassing injuries, and I kept my mouth shut. That is, until my dear old schoolhood friend Maryann called me out of the blue. She’d apparently called my parents to get my new number and had spoken to my Dad. Maryann asked Dad how he was, to which, of course, Dad responded, “I tore up my scrotum on some rebar.” At that point, I figured it was fair game.

7. Dad and I went to Norm’s Bar & Grill, and he was in top form. First, he amazed the waitress by showing her how there was a bee on his hat. How did it get there, he wondered? No one knew. Then he just had to run up to another waitress and tell her how she looked like a young Elizabeth Taylor (she didn’t). Then a man who was busing tables but was probably a manager or the owner walked by and asked how things were. Dad jumped at this opportunity. He gently grabbed the man’s arm, and leaned into him confidentially. “I’ve got one for you…So there’s this Asian guy…” I feared the worst. “And he goes to a bank and asks them to exchange his yen for dollars, just as he had done the week before. But this week, he gets fewer dollars for his yen. He asks the teller what this is all about (Dad does an amazing “generic Asian” accent at this point to the delight of all) and the teller shrugs and says, ‘Fluctuations.’ The Asian retorts angrily, ‘Fluck you Americans, too!'” And I had a sigh of relief. It could have been so much worse.

8. Dad doesn’t really know what the internet is. One time I told him that I emailed my ex in France. He was very concerned, and worried over whether J- would get the message, where the message was now, and how long it would take to get to him.

9. One time, something very unfair happened at school, I have no idea what. But Dad was on our side and he’d had enough. He declared vehemently, “I am going to go to that school and make a big stink!”

10. Dad ran into Maria, whom he hadn’t seen since she was little. He was amazed at how she’d grown up and gotten so lovely. He exclaimed, “Wow! You’re so beautiful- you could be one of MY daughters!”

11. Lots of things puzzle Dad, and he likes to ask me about them- a lot. Here are some ones that often plague him: “What’s the difference between anyone and anybody? What’s the difference between further and farther?”

12. Dad seems genuinely surprised when I finish a joke he’s only told me 30 times before.

13. Dad had this great idea for a sitcom, and he wanted me to help him write it. It was going to be called, “The Wallets” and it was about an ugly man who somehow had beautiful daughters. When he shows people pictures of his children from his wallet, people don’t believe that they are his. So he says, “Oh, these pictures- they came with the wallet!” Good one Dad. I gently explained to him that usually you need more than one joke for a whole sitcom…and that’s how I got fired from the show.

14. One time, Dad wrote a letter to the editor, which he had me proofread. But Dad doesn’t take criticism so well, so I got nixed from that project, too. Anyway, he wrote a letter that I’m pretty sure made it into the newspaper about how they really need to make the JFK road more pedestrian friendly. He noted the need for this especially in light of people’s “fat food” lifestyles.

15. At his most recent high school reunion, Dad won the limbo competition.

16. Dad tells some story about going to the doctor’s and having the doctor marvel at what great shape he’s in. Dad notes the secret to his success: “Clean living.”

17. I believe it was Cousin John who once said that if you look up “vulgar” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Uncle Jack.

18. Dad thinks kids like him. And sometimes, they actually do.

19. Dad’s working-man hands are so fat he can’t type on a keyboard or use a cell phone.

20. I recently found out that in high school, my friend Jennie would call, and Dad would say, “Call back later,” and hang up. And never give me the message.

21. Dad made a home-made sign out of cardboard to support Ralph Nader’s run for president a few years back. He attached it to a back window on his car. It featured a picture of a cowboyed out John Wayne saying, “Live Greater, Vote Nader.” Dad didn’t actually vote.

22. Dad thinks that Martha Stewart is hot.

23. Here’s the line Dad used on Mom when he first met her: “Can I have a bite of your sandwich?”

24. Long ago, before any of us were born, Dad and one of his sisters were on their way to Canada to look for land- probably for hippie commune building. The man at the border asked Dad, “Have you ever been to jail?” Dad decided to be funny and said, “yes,” (even though at that point in his life, it wasn’t actually true). The man had them turn right back around to Maine. And that’s why I’m not Canadian.

25. When Dad goes in the kitchen to make himself something to eat, he emerges with a startling display of meat, ketchup, pickles, and, of course, horseradish.

26. One time I was in Dad’s car and I saw he had a tin of Altoids, so I thought I’d have myself a mint. Only when I opened it, I discovered that it was full of garlic.

27. If you’re a small child, you may be lucky enough to have my Dad give you a rocket ride. You lie down on the floor, and Dad stands over you. Then he grabs your legs, and flips you up in the air and catches you. It works for a while, but once you get to be a certain size, your head slams against the floor. ROCKET RIDES!!!

28. Dad’s closest run-in with death may have been a staph infection. He was cleaning out a neighbor’s disgusting basement, and he got this bizarre staph infection in his thumb. He went to the doctor’s, who gave him some antibiotics that were not enough. The next day, Dad’s thumb was about 10 sizes bigger. He went to the ER, and spent a week in the hospital. They told him that if he had waited one more day, he would have had a 50/50 chance of living, and that if he had pulled through, it would have taken months for his nerves to heal, if they ever did.

29. The staph aftermath (or staphtermath): As Dad was on the mend, things got weird. All of the extra skin on his thumb peeled off in one disgusting piece. Dad was proud. He put it up on his bulletin board. Heather came over, and I was very embarrassed, so I put on some oven mitts and threw the staph flesh away.

30. Dad usually has really good taste in music- aka he likes what I like. There are some noticeable exceptions. In high school, it was Dokken. My friend Paul and I used to say something about “I’m rockin to Dokken.” If you’re really lucky, you might hear Dad in his room singing along to his latest favorite song. Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton.

Dad’s the one in the hat.

Pop That Cherry: Are You Ready to Go All the Way?

So a few years ago I made this rad board game. Ok, fine, Leah helped and Ted drew a bunch of the penises. Anyway, I’m giving you all the things you’ll need for playing it. I guess you’ll need to print stuff out or something, or maybe use this as a guide to create your own unique game board. I don’t really care. Also, don’t steal it or anything, that would be a dick move. You should keep your dick moves for game play. Final note: I inserted my friends’ names in here; you should do the same with your own.

Pop that Cherry!

Are you ready to go all the way?

———–

GAMEBOARD

RULES

OBJECT

To win the game.

NON-SARCASTIC OBJECT

Be the first player to advance 10 spaces on the scoreboard.  The player who successfully ascends to the POP! POP! POP! zone will literally lose his or her virginity.  Or, if the winner is some slut like Lindsay who hasn’t worshipped at the altar of Hymen since the Clinton era, everyone can look the other way and pretend it’s her first time.  Losers may roll their eyes as needed to help relieve their disappointment and blue balls/blue vaginas.

EQUIPMENT

This game is BYOG.[1]  Included: * Pop that Cherry Game Board * 1 Deck of about a billion trivia cards that Leah and I made * a certain sum of penis pennies * a sum certain of vagina dimes * two scoreboards, or one if I get lazy and only make one * ten wee penises for ascending the scoreboard * Imogen Flowers’ unique genius * 1 die if I can find one, otherwise BYOD [2] * Somewhere around ten playing pieces (“Skankers”) that you use to travel around the board with.

SETUP

1. Each player takes a Skanker and places it on “COME.”
2. Each player picks out a wee penis and places it at “START” on the scoreboard.
3. Each player starts the game with 5 penis pennies and 1 vagina dime.
4. Hottest player goes first.  If hottest player cannot be determined because no one wants to hurt the uglies’ feelings, then the person whose first name comes first in the alphabet goes first.  Play then follows in a counterclockwise fashion, or, if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere, clockwise- same as toilet flushing rhythms.

GAMEPLAY

On your turn, you:

• Roll the die and move that number of spaces.
• Follow the instructions on that space.
• Assuming you didn’t manage to lose your turn like a total asshole, you can buy trivia questions and advance on the scorecard with correct answers.  Your turn continues until you run out of money or fuck up and get a question wrong.

Penis Pennies:  One penis penny buys you one question.

Vagina Dimes:  You can get as many as 10 questions from this, but if you get a question wrong, you forfeit the whole vagina.  You have to use the vagina all in one go, just like in real life.

COME:  Collect 3 penis pennies as you reach around.

PONTUS PENIS, PETITE PONTUS PENIS, & PUSSY EXPRESS: If you land on the space adjacent to one of these crazy things, then on your next turn, you may ride them to the space they end up at, which counts as going one space.

FREE CLINIC: I didn’t say this yet, but all the vagina dimes and penis pennies that people spend on wrong answers go in the middle of the board.  If you land on Free Clinic, you get all the Money in the Middle, in addition to other perks…

STRATEGY HINT: Don’t fuck up.

WINNING THE GAME

I already told you how to win.  Stop being such a fuck up.  And good luck.

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[1] Bring your own genitals.^TM

[2] Use the context clues, a-hole.  It’s pretty obvious what BYOD stands for.

————

TRIVIA QUESTIONS

Sorry about the crappy formatting on this. If it makes you feel any better, it took me an extraordinarily long time to make it look this terrible.

Define concupiscence.   A.    Impotence B.     Sexual perversion C.     Frigidity D.    Lust   D.        Lust.  Such as, “Lindsay got her new job because of her reputation as a concupiscent hobag slutmouth.”	Which European queen was rumored to have sex with horses?   Catherine the Great.  So Great.
Who were most numerous in pre-historic times?   A.    Men B.     Women C.     Hermaphrodites D.    Pancake-butts   A.         Men outnumbered women 3 to 2 giving an equivalent ratio for a high five.	True or False:   The ancient Romans thought a woman could get pregnant from swallowing during fellatio.   False.  They’re not so dumb as you, Zygotethroat.
What was the first taboo?   A.    Murder B.     Incest C.     Cannibalism D.    Promiscuity   B.         Incest.  Welcome home, sister.	True or False:   Crabs can get crabs.   I haven’t verified this, but I’m going to assume it’s false.
True or False:   Olive oil increases fertility.   False.  Bring a liter into the boudoir – it can be used as a spermicide!	True or False:   The average ballet dancer likes it up the butt.   True (factors in the proclivities of men in tights).
How come Henry VIII wasn’t able to produce healthy male heirs?   Because he had syphilis, like all Petersons.	Who is Smurfette’s father?   Gargamel.  He created her to overthrow the Smurfs, but it didn’t work out like that because she’s just another ungrateful daughter.
In ancient Rome, the following was thought to be an excellent way of expelling semen:   A.    Farting B.     Sneezing C.     Queefing D.    Douching   B. Sneezing.  Bless you, my cummy.	Can you get preggers the first time?   If a dude is answering: no. If a chick is answering: yes.   Or if it’s a chick who can’t have kids, the answer is no, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.  She might be sensitive.
True or False   During an experiment in California, a man who had been infertile for 2 years succeeded in impregnating his wife after 2 weeks of taking long cold baths instead of long hot ones.   False.  The experiment was in Kansas.	True or False   In order to keep Roman women from immorality, the emperor Augustus ruled in 18 BC that widows had to remarry within 2 years and divorcees within 18 months.   False.  The rule was to help the dangerously low birth rates.
True or False   Pubic hair reduces friction during intercourse.   True.  Thank God for your huge bush.	Who’s cuter, the player on your left or the player on your right?     The player on your left.  If correct, give 1 penis penny to the player on the right to appease that freak homely motherfucker.
True or False   Aphrodite could renew her virginity by bathing in sacred waters.   True.  Too bad you can’t, Sarah.	True or False   In the Hall of the Joyful Buddhas, Buddha statues were all having sex.   True.  Mmmmmmm, bring that porcelain belly over here, Siddhartha.
Whose sperm contributed to making Angelina Jolie?   John Voigt’s.	True or False:   They had penis rings in ancient China.   True.  That’s a good, long night of sex in your culture, David.
True or False:   Recent medical research suggests that early sexual intercourse decreases a woman’s risk for cervical cancer.   False.  It is thought to increase it.  Make sure not to tell this to your teenaged girlfriend.	True or False:   The word “fascinate” comes from a Latin word meaning “phallus.”   True.  You phallusinate me, Andrew.
The ancient Egyptians used a blend of laudanum, oil, cat’s womb, and raven’s egg as:  A.    an aphrodisiac B.     birth control C.     dye for gray hair D.    Nothing.  I made it up.   C.  Dye for gray hair.  I don’t “make stuff up,” Assface.	True or False:   There was a form of marriage in ancient Rome that was like a trial marriage, and was only legally binding after one year’s continuous association.   True.  Gimme some o’ that.
True or False:   It wasn’t until 1943 that an English woman won the right to divorce her husband on the grounds of adultery.   False.  It happened in 1923, retard.	True or False:   In ancient Greece, streetwalkers had sandals that would print on the roadway for passersby to read, “Follow me.”   True.
What was probably the most common homosexual behavior in ancient Greek men?   A.    Anal sex B.     Thigh sex C.     Arm sex D.    Oral sex   B.  Thigh sex.  Pow!	Who wrote in his play, “The Birds,” “Well, this is a fine state of affairs, you damned desperado!  You meet my son, just as he comes out of the gymnasium, all fresh from the bath, and you don’t kiss him, you don’t say a word to him, you don’t hug him, you don’t feel his balls!  And yet, you’re supposed to be a friend of ours!”  A. Euripides                B.  Seneca C.  Sophocles              D.  Aristophanes   D.        Aristophanes.
The Paraguayans used stevia rebaudiana dried, powdered, and boiled in water; the Navajo a tea of ragleaf bahia; and the Shawshawnee an infusion of stone-seed roots for what purpose?   Contraception.  Do it up!	True or false:   In Papua, New Guinea, the Hua tribe still think a man can become pregnant by eating possum and may die in childbirth.   True.  Idjiots!
What is polyandry?   A.    Sex with more than one man at once. B.     A woman being married to more than one man. C.     State of having more than one son D.    Marrying for money.   B.  A woman being married to more than one man.  Big Love—Big Vagina Love.	True or False:   The Shins totally rule.   True, though not with an iron first.  More like with a pink cloud of transcendental joy puffs.
What percentage of morticians are necrophiliacs?   “It’s considered to be one of the hazards of dying in this country.”  If you answered with a percent, go back one space.  Stop being so literal.	True or False:   The Queen of England can have babies.   False – she’s way past passing eggs.
True or False:   In early Christianity, a married man could become a priest only if he abandoned his wife.   False.  He could be a priest if he were already married, but a bachelor could not marry after taking orders.	True or False:   The ancient Egyptians used barrier devices as a form of contraception.   True.
What is the capital of Madagascar?     Antananarivo.  That was way hard, so advance 2 spaces if you got it right.	In 19th century Western Australia, there was a tribe that ate every 10th baby born.  Why? A.    Because they could. B.     Because of the potato famine (solidarity, Irish brethren). C.     Tastes like chicken. D.    Trick Question!  Nobody eats babies (except Christopher Reeve). E.     To keep the population down.   E.         To keep the population down.
Which European country has citizens who masturbate the most?  Poland.  Even the Poles love Polish sausage.	Do non-human primate females have orgasms?   A.    Yes B.     No C.     Maybe so   B.  No, Perv!

EQUIPMENT

Sorry guys, it looks like I lost some of this when I moved. Here’s what you need to do:

Now, obviously, for the penis pennies and vagina dimes, just use regular pennies and dimes and your imagination.

Scoreboard: It should have as many columns as there are players, and there should be 11 rows- START (0) through 10 (POP POP POP zone). Make little different colored “wee penises” to use on the scoreboard. When you get a trivia answer correct, you advance the wee penis one space toward the POP POP POP zone.

Skankers: These were really cool, and it sucks I can’t find them. I will supplement if they turn up. Anywho, these are the characters you go around the board with. I found funny pictures of people on the internet, printed them out, and made them into moveable playing pieces to go around the gameboard with. They had the following names written on the back of their respective pieces: Randy Saddlebags, Baron Von Hymenschteel, Misty Underpants, Ivanna Lusercunt, Tom Throbbins (I suggest a pic of Tom Selleck à la Magnum PI), Lucy Crotchita, Seymour Pussyfoot, etc. It’s also funny to have one playing piece that’s just a picture of your friend with his/her real name on the back.

—————

Fin

 

 

JackTalk: Bonnie and the Odorless Farts

Here is my first installment of JACKTALK.

The players:

Jack: my dad.

Our Hero: K.

Bonnie: Bonnie.

Raucous Laughter: https://soundcloud.com/kbfunky-1/dad-laugh-1

And so it begins…

 ——————————-

Dad: Hello?

K: Hi Dad, It’s K.

D: How are you?

K: Good, how are you?

D: Excellent.

K: What’s been happening? I just thought I’d call and see how you were.

D: I’m eating supper, what are you doing?

K: Not eating supper.

D: What, are you on a fast? Oh yeah, that’s right, you gave up eating for a month, huh?

K: For a month?? Yep, that’s right.

D: Try 6 weeks before Easter, ha ha, or is it 8 weeks?

K: I dunno. What are you having for supper?

D: Ah, I’ve got pirogues, fish, carrots, and beans. And spinach.

K: Ooh. Is someone with you?

D:  Yes.

K – Oh-oh.

D: (off) With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? Which K?  I’ve got like 8 of them!

K: Uh!

D: (raucous laughter).

K: Uh, real funny, Dad.

D: Wha ha ha.  How are you, Baby?

K: I’m good.

D: I want you to meet someone, are you still there?

K: Yes, I’m still here.

D: Ok, say hello to Bonnie.

K: Barney?

D: Baaahnnie.

K: Baaahnie. Hi

Bonnie: Hello.

K: Are you Bonnie?

B: I’m Bonnie.

K: Hi, Bonnie.

B: Hi, how- nice to talk to ya.

K: Nice to talk to you, too.

(B and K laugh foolishly.)

Dad: (off) She’s a lawyer.

B: So you’re his little girl, huh?

K: I am. Not that little, though. Not anymore.

B: Not anymore? Ha ha ha. He’s got two beautiful pictures of you guys up here.

K: Very nice.

D: They don’t look like guys to me.

B: We need some new ones.

D: No we don’t. (B and D raucous laughter).

K: Nah, we’ll just look old. Keep the ones where we look young.

B: Ha ha. You will always be his baby.

K: That’s true.

D: She’s my favorite. All my daughters named K— you’ll always be my favorite.

K: Thanks, Dad.

B: Thanks, Dad. (D raucous laughter off). I’ll let you talk back to him, Honey.

K: Ok.

B: Pleasure to meet you.

K: Pleasure to meet you, too.

B: Bye.

K: Bye.

D: Hey, K?

K: Yep?

D: In all candor…

K: Yes.

D: While I have your ear. Did you ever pay me back the 20 bucks I borrowed?

K: phhhhh…..thhhhh…what??

D: (Raucous laughter). You’re the legal beagle.

K: ….is that–

D: –Did you ever pay me back the 20 bucks I borrowed?

K: Is that an enigma?

D: You’re supposed to say yes I didn’t. har har… Plus interest! ha ha! How are you?

K: Eh, fine.

D: How’s everything going, how d’you like the new gig?

K: What’s the new gig?

D: Well, you went to do – ah – last we met you were going to work for the state or something? Or are you still with the other guys- with the firm?

K: No, everything fell through. I’m still unemployed, unfortunately.

D: Oh, come on!

K: Yah…

D: How can anybody that made MENSA with a – what did you have for a grade point average?

K: 4.1.

D: Yeah, 10.5 on the Richter Scale. And you’re unemployable? Give me a break. What are you, a slacker?

K: Kind of.

D: (Raucous laughter) No you’re not. You know the one thing they can’t take from you, K? Is your intelligence and your, you know what I mean, ah ah, are you desperate at all?

K: No, I’m fine.

D: Financially, you’re getting by all right?

K: Yeah. No- I called, I called to borrow money, Dad. Pay up!

D: (extraordinarily raucous laughter). Hey, K, I want you to be, ah, apprised, or appraised, or whatev- no, I can’t appraise you, cause there’s no – you’re priceless. So there’s no price to put on you. Bonnie is a – what are we, roommates?

B (off): Noooo….

D: Well, no, you live in the south building. Which makes us fellow neighbors.

K: Very nice.

D: And she’s- she has…a few…limitations, but she’s a honey. I took her go-cart racing yesterday.

K: Who won?

D: She did, of course! I couldn’t keep up with that wheelchair, for gad’s sake. She’s an amputee, K.

K: Ok.

D: And I try to help her with her PT and get her prosthesis on, make her do a few laps, get her up vertical. She’s a breath of fresh- and she’s a FANTASTIC artist.

K: Really?

D: Yeah, Bonnie and Johnny Artworks in my apartment. She pops it out like you can’t believe.

K: Oh, that’s great.

D: So anyway, yeah, no, it’s better than counting bricks!

K: But you’re so good at it!

D: (Raucous laughter) I lost my place, I had to start ovah! Ok, let me ask you this, and I just reviewed your beautiful picture when you and your sister- S –  made the front page of the Sentinel.

K: Mm-hmm.

D: Never tell a secret in the garden. Why, K? Because…

K: I don’t know.

D: The corn has ears, and stalks.

K: Pfff, good one, Dad. Any more joke fodder?

D:  The potatoes have eyes, the rutabeggya to lettuce alone.

K: Oh, that’s—

D: —And the trees will ask you to leave.

K: The trees will what?

D: Ask you to leaaa–vvee.

K: Oh. Heh heh.

D: Ouch.

K: Yeah.

D: That’s a stretch. Ha ha. I miss you like the queen bee misses pollen, Honey.

K: Thanks, Dad.

D: Oh, God bless you. What do you need, Bon?

B: (off) Tell her the joke about the chicken.

D:  (to B) She’s probably heard it a hundred times. Oh, why did the chicken cross the road?

K: Why?

D: To go see his friend. Gregory. Peck.

K : Ohhh, ow. Ow.

D: Ow, ha ha ha. (raucous laughter).

K: Hey Dad.

D: Yes, Babe?

K: What’s Beethoven doing in his grave?

D: Ahhhhhhhh……………Enlighten me.

K: Decomposing.

B: (Raucous laughter off).

D: Ouch. You got me on that one kid, ha ha. I owe ya one! I love you! God bless you, K! You’re the highlight of my day. I mean that.

K: Thanks, Dad.

D: I mean, you know what I had to do this week?

K: What?

D: Oh, somebody put in a complaint. In the residence. And you know, the two mirrors I have in my apartment are in my medicine cabinet. Over my bathroom sink. And I got carried away. So I put them in backwards. So every time I look in the mirror I don’t see anything…..When they were face out – with the reflection – that son of a bitch scares the hell out of me!

K: Ha ha.

D: (raucous laugh)- the left one was- the right one was –  ha ha , only you could understand that, Kid. I love you, K. God bless you. You just put the cream on the….cake.  Gosh.  Everything is good? How’s your mother?

K: She’s good.

D: (long, sinister pause). Well, the jury’s still out on that one. How’s your sister and your- grand- your niece?

K: They’re….wonderful.

D:  (spontaneously irritated) Well, C promised me she was going to send me a letter…. I don’t like this one way street. I can’t call you, I don’t even know your address, I can’t write you a letter, send you a postcard. C was going to write me. Ah, it hurts, ok? And I cry on my pillow every night. Just bear that in mind. Ok, Honey?

K: D-did you get my postcard?

D: No.

K: You didn’t? Aw! I sent you a postcard.

D:  From where, Jamaica?

K: No, Puerto Rico.

D: Oh, Puerto Rico. Yes I did. Thank you very much.

K: You’re welcome.

D: But there’s no return address—-

K: —–You want to write to the Atlantic Beach Hotel in Puerto Rico? Ha!

D: Pweeerto Reeco. Heh heh heh heh. Speak English, Kid. I didn’t send you to college to speak…trash language.

B: (mumbles something).

D: (to B): Oh, trust me, you ain’t telling K anything. Anyway, I miss you, Baby. Thank you so much, oh, you brighten up my life.

K: All right. Well I love you, Dad. And I’m glad that you have a friend in Bonnie, she sounds like a really nice lady.

D: Well she ain’t much to look at… (B laughing off)

K: …but she sure can play the piano?

D:  No. Actually, I don’t know. Do you have any musical talent, Bonnie? She can play the radio. Ho ho! She’s getting real good at it. (slurringly) No, she- she- she has the gift when it comes to- taking- la crayyyyyon to le pappeeey- whatever pepper is. She’d blow you away and I know you have the- ah-  for the artist- and Bonnie, she’s amazing. When it comes to…I come up with these— oh, I got one for you, K.  I’ve come up with–I wish I had a way to flash this over to you….but I’ve come up with a new invention. Would you like to hear what it is?

K: Of course.

D: Odorless farts. (Pause). I’m gonna send you a drawing. Give me your address and I’ll send you some…U.S. mail. Are you still in that place I moved—

K: —So- I want to hear more about these odorless farts.

D: Well, it’s—- it’s a concept. I’m workin’ on a patent as we speak. I wanted to mail you a rough draft so you can tell me whether it’s a yay or a nay.

K: Yah, well, I hope you don’t blow it! HEHEHEHEH!

D:  (Raucous laughter). Wait’ll you see this picture, Kiddo. Ha ha ha! What’s your address, YOU LITTLE PUNK?

K: All right, Dad, I love you, um, I’ll talk to you soon, ok?

D:  (insta-anger again) You, you know what? No, listen to me, please. If I can’t even mail you a postcard— This is terrible. Do you realize how bad you’re tearing my heart out? This one way street? Byeeeeeeee byeeeeeeeeeee! (hangs up angrily)

K: All right, bye Dad.

Getting Down with the D part II: more beauty tips

You: “Holy crap, seriously? She has even MORE beauty tips?!?”

Me: “Fahking right.”

Lipstick

Unless it just happens that you already have some lipstick you like, I would not recommend this product. Buying lipstick is a pain in the ass. Most of them just dry up on your lips and make you look like a big dick. And rumor has it that some lipsticks even get on your teeth- like I don’t have enough stuff stuck in my teeth, thank you very much.

> Yawn <

Eye beauty

So you’ve got dark circles and bags under your eyes. That’s normal, you don’t give a shit.

But what IS bothering you are the crease lines all around your eye sockets you got from sleeping all day. What can you do? Concealer? Eye shadow? Mascara?

I have a better way. Sunglasses- your one-stop shop for that flawless “I get out of bed in the morning” look.

Quiz

Hey guys, look, I made a quiz. Ok, I wrote one question. Fuck off.

1. I decided not to dress up for the party because:

a. I gave all my makeup and miniskirts to charity

b. it’s too much work

c.  every time I try to be pretty, a feminist loses her wings

d. it just seems so shallow. I want people to see me for me

e. I’m too poor to have makeup and miniskirts. I wish there was a charity for that

SOLUTION:

b. it’s too much work

If you didn’t get it right, you’re seriously a douche. If you did get it right, way to go, Einstein. Nobody’s impressed.

Getting Down with the D

Unemployment and a tendency toward depression do not mix. Only, at the same time, they also go together like toast and jam. Sad jam. This idea is encapsulated in the following joke that some people who are dumb don’t like but that you and I think is cool:

Q :  What do you get when you jump off a dock, and you’re on a dock?

A: A paradox.

Good one, am I right? Of course I am.

So here are some things I can do from my couch of shame where I currently reside: watch tv, watch worse tv, read, sleep, donate my body as a pillow for cats (see Fig. 1.)

Fig. 1

eat (if I’m fortunate enough to have someone bring me food), and now, write a blog. Don’t worry, my bored compadres, it will not last.

BEING BORING

So I’m going to give you some helpful rambling tips to impress your friends. Here’s one:

Q: I’m a depressive type, and frankly I’m kind of boring. How do I become interesting?

A: Take something interesting, and be bored by it. Then you will instantly become more interesting than that which made you bored.

Note: this rule does not apply if you are bored by my writing, which you should find blindingly fascinating. If not, you’re a turd.

BEAUTY TIPS

Now, a lot of depressives probably need beauty tips, and they need them from me, because man, am I full of good ideas. For the uninitiated, “beauty” is a misnomer. The goal is to look like you are functioning. As in the application of makeup (so I’m told), the key is to blend.

Trick # 1: Hairspray

So recently I discovered this new product, and it is revolutionizing the way I do business. It’s called “hairspray,” have you heard of it? My friend Allen was shooting a commercial in my kitchen, which featured me stuffing chocolate gluten free cookies in my mouth. A perfect way for a depressive to earn some extra dough doing what she loves. Allen wondered if there was a solution to the fly-aways that perpetually crown my face with an aura of dazzle-frazzle when my hair is in a ponytail (it is always in a ponytail), and he mentioned this new product that’s sweeping the nation, called hairspray. By some miracle, I owned some. No doubt the hair fairies left it for me. With just one dose of the stuff, my fly aways stuck seamlessly to my head.

Now, as you might imagine, this has huge ramifications. It means that I can look normal even after several days without showering.[1]

No shower?	No problem!

---

[1] Mom: You are showering, aren’t you?

Me: Oh yeah, Mom, of course. Every day. You know, right after the gym.

Trick # 2: Deodorant

So another good beauty product that fits neatly into this theme is the old fail-safe, deodorant. This product was originally invented quite by accident by one Baron von Slothensmell. One sunny day, in one of his rare fits of energy, the good Baron had been slumbering in a hammock. A strong breeze came up, pushing the mighty man out of his sweat nest and rolling him across a field of fragrant flowers of the genus “Lilium Rollonium” below. Where his stench had been, now was only a fresh Summer’s Eve. (Get it? Summer’s Eve. You don’t get it. God, you’re dumb.)

Anyway, as the Europeans discovered, deodorant can lengthen your time between now and a shower for even more days than hairspray.

BUT what, pray tell, can one do if she runs out of deodorant and has to actually go somewhere? Imagine, you’ve got a couple of friends that you actually like, and they’ve invited you to do something relatively easy, like going to the movies. You kind of want to go and everything. Lo and behold, the roll-on coffers have run dry. Don’t panic: you do have some options.

1.Plan ahead.

Well, kind of. Planning ahead is for losers who get shit done and spend all day patting themselves on the back. Go on the internet (it should be just inches in front of you, emanating from a screen on your lap) and see if the movie theater is near a drug store. You can buy deodorant at drug stores. Leave 3-5 minutes earlier than you normally would have, and then go buy deodorant at said drug store.

But wait! What if you didn’t give yourself 3-5 minutes, or you just don’t have it in you to go all the way to the front of the store to buy it and maybe they’re going to make you stand in line and all that shit? Solution: go to the deodorant aisle, open up a stick, and apply it in secret. Get it, Secret? Still nothing? Jesus, you’re stupid. Read a book or something.

Ok, so maybe that all fails and the idea of going into a store and THEN to the movies is just simply more than you can bear, and so the whole movie idea is kind of starting to not work for you. Solution:

2. The telephone.

Pick up a telephone, and call your lead friend. She can then pass the news onto others so you don’t have to. Better yet, text. Say that you sadly cannot go, as you are housebound.

You’re welcome.