You: Ok, so the last time I tried to interview you, it didn’t go so well…
Me: I thought it went pretty well.
You: And this time you’ve brought…..?
Me: This is my lawyer, Goldie Buns.
You: Is she–
The Newport Buns.
Me: No relation. Goldie Buns is of the Newport Buns, whereas I am of the Baltimore Buns.
You: I thought you said it went pretty well, then why did you bring your lawyer?
Goldie: I’ll ask the questions around here!
You: But I’m trying to conduct an interview!
Goldie: Objection, leading. Sustained. Please rephrase the question.
You: But I didn’t even ask a question!
Me: You didn’t ask a question? You suck at interviews.
You: May I ask a question now?
Me: You just did! (High Fives Goldie)
You: (groan). So, my notes indicate that you spent the fall of 2001 in Abu Dhabi, conveniently out of the country for 9/11…What were you doing there?
Goldie: Want to hear a cool story about how I was born early because my mom scared herself into preterm labor?
Goldie’s mom, freaking out early labor style.
Me: Yes! That sounds cool!
Goldie: So, she was walking through the woods and didn’t realize she was walking behind a shooting range…
You: Ugh, can I at least ask a question about summer fashion?
Oh Tyler, you are the living end!
Goldie: You just did! (Me and Goldie High Five again and put you to shame ).
Me: Remember that time I was high from getting my tooth pulled and then we went to CVS and I sat on all those whoopee cushions?
Goldie: Man, that shit is funny.
You: You weren’t high from getting your tooth pulled, you were high from the medications they gave you.
Goldie: Did you hear something?
Me: Hey Goldie, what do you call it when a boa can no longer constrict?
Goldie: What?
Me: A reptile dysfunction!
Goldie and me: Wha ha ha.
You: I don’t get it.
Me: You are just a shitty, shitty person.
Goldie: Yes, you are a shitty, shitty person as a matter of law.
You: Fuck you guys!!!!
Goldie: That’s it, you’re going to jail.
You, about to go to jail and looking like hot garbage. Also, the cop is your dad.
Big Buns 