Posts Tagged ‘cats’

The Universe Loves Me, the Universe Loves Me Not…

July 4, 2014

The Universe Hates Me:

rescinding-job-offer-small

Oh sorry, I meant fired.

Jan 3: Job Offer Accepted! I finally get to resign from my horrid, horrid job.

Jan 7: Resignation, and it feels so good.

Jan 10: Job offer….rescinded?!?! But dudes, I already quit my old job!!!

(Later that day):

Me: Can I have old job back?

Boss: Don’t worry.

HR Lady: No, sorry dude. It’s been 3 days, but we’ve already put into place a plan to replace you that cannot be undone. Fuck you.

Me: Let me get this straight. I went from having a new job to having no job?

HR Lady: Yes, as I just said, Fuck you.

Jan 14: New job offer, much better than the one that didn’t work out! Whee!!

Month of February: Second job offer slowly evaporates.

March: Unemployed.

unemployed

The Universe Loves Me: 

March: Unemployed!

HappyWomanSleeping

April: New new job offer accepted, and  job ACTUALLY HAPPENS!

The Universe Hates Me:

we're cool

Nothing personal, valued subordinate female employee.

My last day at the firm was supposed to be Jan 31. But because they like to humiliate you there, HR lady calls me in her office a couple weeks before on a Friday afternoon to say: Boss and Managing Partner decided that today’s your last day. Don’t worry, it’s nothing personal.

Boss, who I spent the entire morning with and who acted like everything was cool, conveniently out of the office that afternoon so that, after I worked for him for 5 years, he doesn’t have to say goodbye to me.

The Universe Loves Me:

At least I had time to fart in Boss’s chair.

chairfart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Universe Hates Me:

Two days into unemployment: timing belt breaks on Kia, destroying the engine. Have to sell for scrap.

images

Break my timing belt, break my heart.

The Universe Loves Me:

Friend Clark Kapowski works at car dealership, gets me a sweet sweet deal on a new Prius!

You_and_Me[1]

Courtesy of Clark Kapowski.

The Universe Hates Me:

And then THIS happened. A fucking tree fell on my fucking house.

2014_0618_10345400[1]

The Universe Loves Me:

Cat has unobstructed view to the street.

saul[1]

Wrong way, Stupid.

The Universe Hates Me:

Distracted by the fucking fuck tree, we ran out of oil.

TEMP_slider

So, as always, we called Paul’s Oil to come and bleed the furnace.. But they couldn’t come because Paul died. Seriously, Paul died. That is not funny.

The Universe Loves Me:

Nothing can make this right.1

The Universe Hates Me:

I feel tired, like, all the time. And then I’ll sleep too much and feel lousy about it.

The Universe Loves Me:

I get to wake up to this every morning.

Derekatnight

The Universe Hates Me:

Sometimes I have not been able to find graphics for my blog that I thought would be easy enough to find, and it’s really weird and I worry it has some deep scary cultural meaning. Just try finding: Co-Worker in Ugly Outfit or Pregnant Woman Running Scared in the Woods. Universe (i.e., Google), why dost thou forsake me?

The Universe Loves Me:

When I search for images of Martin Freeman doing something, they are always readily available. Seriously, try it.

Martin Freeman disco dancing.

 

Martin Freeman bubble bath

Martin Freeman bubble bath

Martin Freeman hamburger boobs

Martin Freeman hamburger boobs

 

Martin Freeman getting attacked by a tree that's probably about to land on someone's house

Martin Freeman getting attacked by a tree that’s probably about to fall on someone’s house

 

Martin Freeman really sad your cat died

Martin Freeman really sad your cat died

Martin Freeman rainbow hat

Martin Freeman rainbow hat

 

Martin Freeman hypothetically taking a dump

Martin Freeman taking a hypothetical dump.2

Conclusion:

“Disappointment is an endless wellspring of comedy inspiration.”

– Dr. Martin Freeman

—————

1 Derek: Nothing? What about the fact that I learned how to bleed the furnace myself and we have hot water and I have a sense of my own power and independence?

Me: What about PAUL, Derek, what about PAUL?!?

 

2 Derek: I don’t think you can use “hypothetical” like that. How could “dump” be “based upon hypothesis or conjecture?”

Me: Well, we certainly know that yours aren’t.

Derek: No one thinks you’re funny.

 

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Who Wore it Better?

March 13, 2014
                                                              whoworeitbetteragatha     whoworeitbettersaul (2)

Agatha is owning this Allie Munier original headpiece. The hat says, “I’m a glamophile” and the briefcase says, “I’m working it!” While I love what Saul’s accessories are doing- a gray purse to bring out his natural low lights, and a zebra striped snuggy to show off his “funky” side-  it doesn’t even looks like he wants to be wearing the hat. Sorry, Saul, you are just not red carpet ready. Winner: Agatha.

Things I don’t like about my boyfriend[1]

March 12, 2014

Derek is pretty cool, I guess, but he has some terrible personality flaws that you need to know about. Now, I don’t think Derek would want me to put up photos of him in a public forum, so I am going to use the celebrity he most resembles as a proxy. Thank you for your face, Martin Freeman.

1

Derek thinking super profound thoughts. NOT!

1. Derek Won’t Dance

Unless he’s drunk. And he’s only drunk if he’s been out late at clubs with his friends. And I can’t stay out late because I am not some kind of superwoman. So, ipso facto, I never get to dance with my own boyfriend. And man, can I dance. Derek and I have only danced together maybe once or twice in our entire epically-long relationship, and he is completely to blame.

2

Blotto Derek late night dancing without me.

2. Derek Broke His Wrist

Derek broke his wrist when he hit a rough patch of road while riding his bicycle. And now he’s decided that he won’t ever go biking again. This despite the fact that I have lovely images of us biking side by side, probably holding hands, on a super romantic bike trail that likely leads to relationship heaven.

3

As you can see, prior to the accident, Derek loved riding his bike.

3. Derek’s Been Wearing a Dumb Leather Jacket that Just Isn’t Working

4

Derek looking dumb in his dumb leather jacket

As you can see, Derek just doesn’t look good in this jacket. He’s more of a peacoat guy. I wonder if I should say anything.

Derek: But K, I thought you did like it!?!

Me: Derek, the only reason you’ve been wearing it is because you couldn’t find a new winter coat you liked and you found this one buried at your mom and dad’s house.

4. Derek Can’t Read[2]

5

Derek pretending he can read.

Actually, I like this about Derek, because it’s hilarious. It seems he often just sees the first and last letter of a word, and guesses about its insides. Example:

Derek (reading my Facebook page over my shoulder like a total busybody): What does Theresa have to say?

Me: Trisha. It says Trisha. Are you drunk?

Also, here is a list of words that Derek pronounces wrong:

Word Word that Comes out of Derek’s Dumb Mouth
Peripheral Periphreal
Lithe Lith[3]
Milk Melk
Centaur Centarr
Bed and Breakfasts Bed and Breakfastses
Annals Anals
Retina Reteena
Hearth Herth
Congenital

Anemia

Pendant

Congenitive

Enema

Pedant

5. Derek Can’t Swim

What kind of a person who grew up in a coastal town doesn’t learn how to swim? I’ll tell you who: Derek. Now, don’t go assuming he had shitty parents who kept him locked in the basement, not swimming. He had every opportunity to learn, and was too pouty and stubborn to do it.

6

Derek in the pool, smugly not swimming

6. Derek Doesn’t Like the Beach

Dislike #5 + Dislike # 6 = there goes my Caribbean vacation.

7

Boo hoo hoo, someone’s trying to make Derek have fun.

7. Derek is Too Cool for Halloween

Derek doesn’t like to dress up for Halloween, and heaven forbid we do a couple’s costume!

Derek: Uh, what about last year when you decided to dress up as me and we were going to be a Double Dose of Derek? So I spent a whole month growing a beard so that you could also have a beard. And then it’s Halloween and you’re like, “No I’m staying inside, I don’t want to go out.” So I grew a fucking beard for nothing, and it was itchy and it was a pain in the ass.

Me: No comment.

8

DD of D.

8. Derek Put a Razor in the Trash and Then I Cut My Finger on it on Trash Day

9

Artist’s rendition of Derek throwing the razor in the trash.

9. Derek Doesn’t Like the Common Ground Fair and Refuses to Move to Rural Maine

10

What kind of a person doesn’t like looking at a bunch of hippies looking at a bunch of animals? Who doesn’t want to learn about turn of the century farming techniques masquerading as new and improved farming techniques?

And everyone knows that rural Maine is a thriving region of the country full of trees, gas stations, and my relatives. Who wouldn’t want to get in on that?

10. Derek Loves the Cat More Than He Loves Me

11

My Facebook profile picture: a lovely photo of Derek and me at a friend’s wedding, looking happy and in love. My phone wallpaper: a cute silly picture of Derek wearing my kittens and mittens bathrobe. See how much I love him?

Derek’s profile pic? Him and Saul the cat. Derek’s phone wallpaper? Him and Saul the cat. Executor of Derek’s will? Saul the cat.

11. Derek Doesn’t Like Holidays

12

What a grouch!!!

12. Derek Won’t Wear Deodorant

Derek doesn’t wear deodorant and he thinks he’s getting away with it. Last summer was very, very hot. I think you know where I’m going with this…

13

Derek and his friend Jason at work. Jason can smile because he’s wearing deodorant and doesn’t smell.

13. Derek Never Gives Me Flowers

I’ve said to him like a million times, “Derek, it’s Valentine’s Day. Derek, it’s my birthday. Derek, I lost my job. Derek, Shirley Temple passed away. Derek, my Internet Explorer isn’t working. Please please please give me flowers!” And what do I get??!? A big pile of nothing.

14

Derek and my mom, opening night of my play. Note that my mom got me flowers. Thanks for nothing, Derek.[4]

THE END

15


[1]You: Gee, isn’t this pretty mean-spirited? I mean, why would you write something like this? I just don’t get you sometimes.

Me: I could sit and bore you about all the things that make Derek great, but it would take forever and everyone would be rolling their eyes and throwing up into their Max Vibes. You’ll note my list of dislikes is tellingly short. That’s because Derek, like Mary Poppins, is practically perfect in every way.

[2]Guys, guys, obviously he can read. It’s called “hyperbole.” Did you just like not finish junior high or something?

[3] Scene: Derek and I looking at a dictionary as he pathetically tries to argue that his pronunciation is correct.

Derek: See? Lith. A joint, segment , or symmetrical part or division. That’s what I was saying.

Me: Bullshit.

[4]Derek: Actually, I have given you flowers on a number of occasions, probably like 3 or 4 times. And I’m pretty sure I did give you flowers when you were in the play.

Me: Not enough. You should be showering me with flowers on a biweekly basis.

Derek: Well, maybe if you started showering on a biweekly basis, you’d get more flowers!

Me: Psha.

Getting Down with the D

March 8, 2014

Unemployment and a tendency toward depression do not mix. Only, at the same time, they also go together like toast and jam. Sad jam. This idea is encapsulated in the following joke that some people who are dumb don’t like but that you and I think is cool:

Q :  What do you get when you jump off a dock, and you’re on a dock?

Image

Image

A: A paradox.

Good one, am I right? Of course I am.

So here are some things I can do from my couch of shame where I currently reside: watch tv, watch worse tv, read, sleep, donate my body as a pillow for cats (see Fig. 1.)

Fig. 1

eat (if I’m fortunate enough to have someone bring me food), and now, write a blog. Don’t worry, my bored compadres, it will not last.

BEING BORING

So I’m going to give you some helpful rambling tips to impress your friends. Here’s one:

Q: I’m a depressive type, and frankly I’m kind of boring. How do I become interesting?

A: Take something interesting, and be bored by it. Then you will instantly become more interesting than that which made you bored.

Note: this rule does not apply if you are bored by my writing, which you should find blindingly fascinating. If not, you’re a turd.

BEAUTY TIPS

Now, a lot of depressives probably need beauty tips, and they need them from me, because man, am I full of good ideas. For the uninitiated, “beauty” is a misnomer. The goal is to look like you are functioning. As in the application of makeup (so I’m told), the key is to blend.

Trick # 1: Hairspray

So recently I discovered this new product, and it is revolutionizing the way I do business. It’s called “hairspray,” have you heard of it? My friend Allen was shooting a commercial in my kitchen, which featured me stuffing chocolate gluten free cookies in my mouth. A perfect way for a depressive to earn some extra dough doing what she loves. Allen wondered if there was a solution to the fly-aways that perpetually crown my face with an aura of dazzle-frazzle when my hair is in a ponytail (it is always in a ponytail), and he mentioned this new product that’s sweeping the nation, called hairspray. By some miracle, I owned some. No doubt the hair fairies left it for me. With just one dose of the stuff, my fly aways stuck seamlessly to my head.

Now, as you might imagine, this has huge ramifications. It means that I can look normal even after several days without showering.[1]

No shower? No problem!


[1] Mom: You are showering, aren’t you?

Me: Oh yeah, Mom, of course. Every day. You know, right after the gym.

Trick # 2: Deodorant

So another good beauty product that fits neatly into this theme is the old fail-safe, deodorant. This product was originally invented quite by accident by one Baron von Slothensmell. One sunny day, in one of his rare fits of energy, the good Baron had been slumbering in a hammock. A strong breeze came up, pushing the mighty man out of his sweat nest and rolling him across a field of fragrant flowers of the genus “Lilium Rollonium” below. Where his stench had been, now was only a fresh Summer’s Eve. (Get it? Summer’s Eve. You don’t get it. God, you’re dumb.)

Anyway, as the Europeans discovered, deodorant can lengthen your time between now and a shower for even more days than hairspray.

BUT what, pray tell, can one do if she runs out of deodorant and has to actually go somewhere? Imagine, you’ve got a couple of friends that you actually like, and they’ve invited you to do something relatively easy, like going to the movies. You kind of want to go and everything. Lo and behold, the roll-on coffers have run dry. Don’t panic: you do have some options.

1.Plan ahead.

Well, kind of. Planning ahead is for losers who get shit done and spend all day patting themselves on the back. Go on the internet (it should be just inches in front of you, emanating from a screen on your lap) and see if the movie theater is near a drug store. You can buy deodorant at drug stores. Leave 3-5 minutes earlier than you normally would have, and then go buy deodorant at said drug store.

But wait! What if you didn’t give yourself 3-5 minutes, or you just don’t have it in you to go all the way to the front of the store to buy it and maybe they’re going to make you stand in line and all that shit? Solution: go to the deodorant aisle, open up a stick, and apply it in secret. Get it, Secret? Still nothing? Jesus, you’re stupid. Read a book or something.

Ok, so maybe that all fails and the idea of going into a store and THEN to the movies is just simply more than you can bear, and so the whole movie idea is kind of starting to not work for you. Solution:

2. The telephone.

Pick up a telephone, and call your lead friend. She can then pass the news onto others so you don’t have to. Better yet, text. Say that you sadly cannot go, as you are housebound.

You’re welcome.


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