Getting Down with the D

Unemployment and a tendency toward depression do not mix. Only, at the same time, they also go together like toast and jam. Sad jam. This idea is encapsulated in the following joke that some people who are dumb don’t like but that you and I think is cool:

Q :  What do you get when you jump off a dock, and you’re on a dock?



A: A paradox.

Good one, am I right? Of course I am.

So here are some things I can do from my couch of shame where I currently reside: watch tv, watch worse tv, read, sleep, donate my body as a pillow for cats (see Fig. 1.)

Fig. 1

eat (if I’m fortunate enough to have someone bring me food), and now, write a blog. Don’t worry, my bored compadres, it will not last.


So I’m going to give you some helpful rambling tips to impress your friends. Here’s one:

Q: I’m a depressive type, and frankly I’m kind of boring. How do I become interesting?

A: Take something interesting, and be bored by it. Then you will instantly become more interesting than that which made you bored.

Note: this rule does not apply if you are bored by my writing, which you should find blindingly fascinating. If not, you’re a turd.


Now, a lot of depressives probably need beauty tips, and they need them from me, because man, am I full of good ideas. For the uninitiated, “beauty” is a misnomer. The goal is to look like you are functioning. As in the application of makeup (so I’m told), the key is to blend.

Trick # 1: Hairspray

So recently I discovered this new product, and it is revolutionizing the way I do business. It’s called “hairspray,” have you heard of it? My friend Allen was shooting a commercial in my kitchen, which featured me stuffing chocolate gluten free cookies in my mouth. A perfect way for a depressive to earn some extra dough doing what she loves. Allen wondered if there was a solution to the fly-aways that perpetually crown my face with an aura of dazzle-frazzle when my hair is in a ponytail (it is always in a ponytail), and he mentioned this new product that’s sweeping the nation, called hairspray. By some miracle, I owned some. No doubt the hair fairies left it for me. With just one dose of the stuff, my fly aways stuck seamlessly to my head.

Now, as you might imagine, this has huge ramifications. It means that I can look normal even after several days without showering.[1]

No shower? No problem!

[1] Mom: You are showering, aren’t you?

Me: Oh yeah, Mom, of course. Every day. You know, right after the gym.

Trick # 2: Deodorant

So another good beauty product that fits neatly into this theme is the old fail-safe, deodorant. This product was originally invented quite by accident by one Baron von Slothensmell. One sunny day, in one of his rare fits of energy, the good Baron had been slumbering in a hammock. A strong breeze came up, pushing the mighty man out of his sweat nest and rolling him across a field of fragrant flowers of the genus “Lilium Rollonium” below. Where his stench had been, now was only a fresh Summer’s Eve. (Get it? Summer’s Eve. You don’t get it. God, you’re dumb.)

Anyway, as the Europeans discovered, deodorant can lengthen your time between now and a shower for even more days than hairspray.

BUT what, pray tell, can one do if she runs out of deodorant and has to actually go somewhere? Imagine, you’ve got a couple of friends that you actually like, and they’ve invited you to do something relatively easy, like going to the movies. You kind of want to go and everything. Lo and behold, the roll-on coffers have run dry. Don’t panic: you do have some options.

1.Plan ahead.

Well, kind of. Planning ahead is for losers who get shit done and spend all day patting themselves on the back. Go on the internet (it should be just inches in front of you, emanating from a screen on your lap) and see if the movie theater is near a drug store. You can buy deodorant at drug stores. Leave 3-5 minutes earlier than you normally would have, and then go buy deodorant at said drug store.

But wait! What if you didn’t give yourself 3-5 minutes, or you just don’t have it in you to go all the way to the front of the store to buy it and maybe they’re going to make you stand in line and all that shit? Solution: go to the deodorant aisle, open up a stick, and apply it in secret. Get it, Secret? Still nothing? Jesus, you’re stupid. Read a book or something.

Ok, so maybe that all fails and the idea of going into a store and THEN to the movies is just simply more than you can bear, and so the whole movie idea is kind of starting to not work for you. Solution:

2. The telephone.

Pick up a telephone, and call your lead friend. She can then pass the news onto others so you don’t have to. Better yet, text. Say that you sadly cannot go, as you are housebound.

You’re welcome.


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